The Problem with Judging Other People's Spending

Something hit a nerve a few weeks ago, and a conversation today brought it right back to the surface.

Someone was being ridiculed for booking a business-class seat for an upcoming trip. According to that person, that money would do more good if saved or spent on something more worthwhile. What they didn't know, or perhaps didn't care to ask, was why that kind of choice was made in the first place.

Over the years, I've heard countless variations of the same sentiment:

"Must be nice." "Wow, rich kid." "Sana all". "Did you marry someone rich?"
or
"You don't know how to handle money." "You could have spent that money on something more useful." "There are people poor people in this world who could benefit from that kind of money."

Some are said jokingly. Some are disguised as concern. Some come wrapped in unsolicited financial advice.

But they all seem to carry the same underlying message:

"I don't approve of how you're spending your money."


The Discipline Behind the Decision

If you've ever booked a business-class seat, or upgraded your hotel room, or bought a nicer camera or bag, paid extra for comfort, or booked that vacation you've been dreaming about for years, you've probably heard some version of these comments.

What's fascinating is that these comments rarely come when you're working late nights, taking on extra responsibilities, living below your means, passing on things you want, or diligently contributing to your savings and retirement accounts. Nope. These comments appear when you're finally enjoying the fruits of all that hard work. People see the purchase but they don't see the years and sacrifices behind it.

Most people see the upgraded cabin but they don't see the decades of career building.They see the business-class boarding pass but not the years of economy seats, the overtime hours, the layoff you survived, the risks taken, and sacrifices made.They see the vacation photos, but they don't see the spreadsheets, budgets, and financial decisions quietly working in the background for years. In short, they see the destination but they don't see the journey.

And so the moment they found out you spent money on something that brings you joy, comfort, convenience, or a memorable experience, people suddenly become instant financial advisors.

There is no one-size fits all on "correct" spending. 

One of the biggest misconceptions about money is that there is a universally correct way to spend it. There isn't.

Some people spend money on luxury cars, designer handbags, golf memberships, concert tickets, sports memorabilia, musical instruments, home renovations or boba tea. While others spend money on travel, better seats, upgraded rooms, photography equipment, or comfortable experiences, and some people spend very little on anything at all.

But none of these choices are inherently superior, though. At least in my mind, this is the case. For me the problem begins when people confuse: "My preference"  with "The correct answer."

Just because something isn't worth it to you doesn't mean it isn't worth it to someone else. The fact that you wouldn't buy it doesn't automatically make it a mistake. We don't all work hard for the same rewards, so it shouldn't surprise us that we don't all spend money the same way.

So why do some people react so strongly on other people's spending choices? Unfortunately, it isn't always about the money. Sometimes it's about something else entirely and here are some of my hypothesis:

1. They need validation of their own choices.
 "If I made the right choice, why aren't you making the same choice?"

Are they looking for validation for their own choices that's why they are making us make the same choices as theirs?
Sometimes what sounds like financial advice is really a request for validation. 


2. Holier than thou mentality.
If someone spends their life prioritizing savings above all else, seeing someone spend freely can create discomfort. Instead of simply accepting that different people have different priorities, they may try to convince you that their way is the only responsible way.

News flash: That's the nice thing about being an adult, we get to spend OUR OWN money differently.


3. Your Purchase Reminds Them of Something They Can't Have
It isn't always about affordability. Sometimes people can afford it but were raised with a mindset where spending money on comfort or enjoyment feels indulgent, even when it isn't. Sometimes they genuinely can't afford it. And some have spent years talking themselves out of wanting certain things, making it difficult to watch someone else enjoy them guilt-free.

If they feel deprived, they may try to turn your excitement into guilt. Misery loves company. If they can't enjoy it, they don't want you enjoying it either.


4. They Mistake Frugality for Virtue

Being careful with money is admirable. But spending money is not a moral failure. Some people unconsciously treat every dollar spent as a character flaw. They forget that money is a tool.

The goal isn't simply to accumulate the largest bank account possible and die with the highest score. The goal is to use money in a way that supports the life you want to live. For some that might mean saving aggressively, spending very little, and leaving as much as possible to their children and grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with that. For others, it means balancing responsibility with enjoyment, like providing for their family, saving for the future, and occasionally using some of their  hard-earned money to create experiences, memories, or joy along the way.

Neither approach is inherently superior. The mistake is assuming that everyone should follow the same script.

Spending wisely doesn't always mean spending the least amount possible.

Lastly,

5. They Only See the Expense, Not the Context

The person criticizing your upgraded flight may not know, how much you save, or how much you invest, how much you've sacrificed,  or what your overall financial situation looks like.They don't know the big picture.

They're evaluating a single transaction while ignoring the thousands of decisions that came before it. Completely unaware of the years of discipline, budgeting, career-building, sacrifice, and delayed gratification behind it.





There is no one-size-fits all definition for "Waste of Money"

Everyone has a category they think is a waste of money. 

The person judging your business-class ticket might spend thousands on something you'd never buy. The person criticizing your upgraded room might spend money on hobbies you don't understand. The person mocking your Vibe Club pass may happily spend money on things that seem completely unnecessary to you. That's because value is personal. There is no universal formula, and unfortunately,  some fail to realize that.



The Response I Wish More People Understood

I've spent most of my life learning how to save money, now I'm also learning how to enjoy some of it. Does that make me irresponsible? Of course not. That makes me human. And I refuse to apologize for occasionally choosing comfort or for choosing experiences that bring me joy.

I refuse to apologize for using money I earned to create memories that matter to me. I've worked hard. I've planned. I've sacrificed. I've saved. I've earned the right to occasionally say:

"Yes, I want the better seat." "Yes, I want the upgraded room." "Yes, I want the experience." 

And no, I don't owe anyone an explanation, justification, or permission slip for how I spend the money I've worked hard to earn.



A Message To the Auditor I Never Hired

If someone else's purchase irritates you, ask yourself why.  Are they actually being irresponsible?  Or are they simply making a different choice than you would? 

Not every purchase needs your approval. Not every decision requires your validation.

Not every splurge is a mistake. Sometimes a business-class seat is just a business-class seat. Sometimes an upgraded room is just an upgraded room.

And sometimes a person who spent decades working hard is simply allowing themselves to enjoy the rewards of that hard work. There are worse things in life than that.

What feels worthwhile to one person may not feel worthwhile to another. and that is OK.



Epilogue 

To that someone who saw the purchase and immediately decided it was wasteful.
I wish you would have asked that person why he/she made that choice in the first place, before passing judgement.

As for me, both of my flights are red-eye. I'll be heading straight to the airport after work (i'm a new employee and trying to be productive as much as possible before i leave) on the way to my destination, and heading straight back to work after I return. I wasn't paying for champagne, bragging rights, or social media photos. I was paying for the ability to sleep. I was paying to arrive rested. I was paying to make an already exhausting travel schedule a little more manageable. But that's almost beside the point. Even if my reason had simply been, "Because I wanted to," that should have been enough.

Not every spending decision needs to be justified to an audience.

Not every purchase requires a business case.

And thank you for your concern about my "wasteful" spending. I'll do my best to survive the devastating consequences of occasionally enjoying the money I worked hard to earn.

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Full Circle: How I Finally Met the New Zealand I Once Dreamed Of

 

Once upon a time in college, someone “sold” New Zealand to me. They told me that with my IT degree, I could easily qualify for residency because the country had more cows than people. The idea fascinated me, the possibility of starting a new life in such a beautiful, faraway place felt like an adventure waiting to happen.

As a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a flight attendant so I could work while traveling the world. That dream eventually faded, and I pursued computer science in college instead. Still, the desire to travel never left me, it simply found a new shape.

After graduation, I already knew I wanted to work abroad, and New Zealand had always been on my radar. But right after college, an opportunity arose to work in the U.S. as a COBOL programmer for the Y2K issue. Just like that, New Zealand moved to the back burner.

In 2005, I decided to give it another shot. I started filling out an Expression of Interest for residency, but when it came time to pay the fee, I hesitated. I couldn’t bring myself to move to a new country without a job waiting for me.

Not long after, another chance to work in the U.S. came along, and this time, it materialized.

Around 2010, I found myself revisiting that New Zealand application yet again. And yet again, when it came time to click “Pay,” I just couldn’t do it.

Then in January 2011, I got engaged, and New Zealand went back to the shelf, this time, probably for good (I did tell my husband that if he didn't propose I am planning to finally pursue my NZ plan).

That’s why my recent trip to New Zealand meant so much to me. It wasn’t just because Lord of the Rings have been filmed there (which,admittedly is one of the reasons I visited), but also because lt is like closing the loop on a path I almost took.

And did I enjoy my trip? Absolutely. New Zealand feels like God’s country, no dangerous insects or animals, the water tastes amazing (and I’m very particular about my water!), the dairy is extra creamy, and the views… oh, the views.

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On swirling thoughts and memories

  

i'm feeling pensive...

 

lots of thoughts swirling around me but i can 't seem to catch any... i want to nurture it in my hands and stitch a few meanings to it by attaching some raw emotions and unspoken words...

 

 

 

i want to write about who this sentence reminds me of:

 

"I like to believe I loved him so much that I couldn't make him choose. But mostly, I was afraid to find out who he'd pick"

but the thought keeps running away...

 

 

i want to write about how all those broken promises and all those who broke my heart lead me to him and how glad i am it’s him inspite of our differences… how he’s been a wonderful father

but that thought too kept flying with the wind...

 

 

 

i want to write about the could-have-beens and might-have-beens of this young love who suddenly vanished like a mist in the early morning dew....

 

 

 

i want to write about the childhood friend who i have loved dearly and learned to let go but never left and has come back to be the best friend one can ever have...

 

 

i want to write about the one that time and circumstances stole from me for a decade or so years ago and how surreal it was to see this person  once again and how natural it felt when we just picked up where we left off as if those years apart never really happened… but as fate would have it, we are meant to be apart…

 

i want to write how their story intertwined with mine.... how it somehow feels like they were put there in my path because the universe conspired to be so…. because they were meant to be there...  

there are some whom i know are not meant to stay, but i still want to put my thoughts of them into paper to prove that no matter how much the passage of time tries to erase these memories, in my heart it will all remain...

 

and will be revisited like a favorite book... to be read again and again and again...

 

 

i want to write about these memories...

 

i really want to..

 

but they all keep swirling away...

 

 

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On Pebbles and Streams

I always imagine myself sitting under a big tree with a huge umbrella of leaves shading me from the sun with a trickle of sunlight escaping here and there in between leaves and would form a tiny random spotlight on the ground where my knees are.

I like to imagine the soft breeze caressing my cheeks and playing with just a teeny tiny few strands of my hair. And there would be a stream right next to the tree. Far enough not to reach me but close enough that I can see each molecule of water racing by. Close enough that I was able to witness how the stream of water kiss the pebbles it pass by. No expectations, no demands. They both just savor the time they have, a moment at a time.

Can you hear the sound they make, those pebbles and stream? They’re like the tinkling of the thousand beads of crystal of an elegant chandelier. Except theirs is not the soprano sound but a tenor’s. 

I can see a snowcapped mountain at a far distance, with cumulus clouds merrily striding by. Is that a baby elephant I see flying on there on that blue sky?

A slightly stronger breeze put my reverence back to the book I am reading. The pages started flipping on its own and  I lost gripped of the spine. What page was I on again? Chapter 16, page 18 or was that 88? 

A small band of yellow maple leaves start rolling by my foot. One of them stumbled and fell flat, but went back up and soldiered on with the rest of the band. I love autumn. I love Spring too. I love the maple trees’ autumn leaves waving at me while I do my morning run. I love the ever shy and always smiling cherry blossoms when they blink their hellos at me while I walk through rows and rows of them. Both season are equally beautiful but autumn, autumn is different. It’s more dramatic. Its color matches the color of sunrise. 

I hear laughter and tiny feet crushing leaves on the ground. I don’t need to look up to know where those are coming from. I can hear them getting louder now. I can hear the sound of stream and pebbles kissing on my right and sound of tiny laughter and tiny footsteps on my left. I waited until suddenly tiny arms wrapped around my neck and waist and calling my name.

Mommy.

Music to my ears. More melodious than everything else I am hearing at the moment. Well, that, and my tiny humans' laughter. I kissed both their small flushed cheeks and stood up to join them. My book can wait.

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I'm writing a book

Scratch that.

I wrote a book.

I have a new found respect for writers. Not that I don't respect them before, in fact I do. Specially those authors who can write beautifully constructed sentences, but my respect for them is magnified 1000x.

Why? Let me count the ways.


1. I realized that once you're in your element to write you don't even notice the time. 

While I was writing my pathetic first novel I would always go to bed between 2-3 AM. I start at 9:30PM or 10:00, depending on when my babies conked out to bed. I would imagine it's worst with writers. Once the idea flows in your head, there is no stopping it. I have to force myself to stop because I have a day job, but if left to my own device and I don't have responsibilities, I will be in front of my computer from 8am until December 22, typing my thoughts away.

2. The research you have to do.

Thank goodness for google. I had to research what flowers are available at winter time or what food a certain country has, when does the sun rises or sets in Antarctica. how does it feel like to be a male gynecologist or what day of the week is January 12, 2007,  and some other stuff that I won't list down here. Let's just say if my computer had to be subpoena by the authorities, I might get in trouble when they see my search history. This is all because I don't want a plot hole. 

This is specifically true for historical fiction writers like Diana Gabaldon of the Outlander. The research they had to do!


3. The attention to details.

I need to learn how to be more observant. As in how long is the shadow at 4pm compared to 7am. How do you describe the sun on somebody's face. Or what does hair flowing in the wind really looks like? 

Like I can't just say "her hair is bouncing in the wind like a bunch of squiggly worms". I have to find a softer, delicate way of describing the wiggling hair. Like, "she lifted her cheeks up and the sun soak up on her face while her hair drifted like golden feathers in the wind". 

Get my drift?

That took an hour to construct though because I had to find words that flow smoothly next to each other. I'm sure writers can do that with just a snap of the finger. One favorite author of mine where I can actually taste the ray of the sun or the wind on someone's skin is L.M. Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables.


4. Grammar. 
I am notorious for bad grammar. My instagram is my witness. 
And facebook.
And twitter.
And this blog.
So I praise those who knows how to use their at, to, with, in, on, into, unto, across, beside, in front, for, from
are you still there? 




5. Conflict and Ending

The first novel I just finished is not the original first novel I was planning to write. What I wanted to write first has something to do with time travelling. A bit of science fiction and paranormal. The problem with that one is I don't know how to create a conflict and I don't know how to end it. 

When I decided with this novel I actually wrote, which by the way is romance novel (so no, I am not going to tell you where it is and what the title is), I can see the conflict and the ending in my mind even before I started.

6. You have to be patient.
I had "read-re-read-proof read-edit-repeat" my novel for the nth time. And each time I would find a flaw. 

Like do you sometimes type faster than your brain that you realized you have skipped a word in your sentence? 

And mine is just 50,040 words. So imagine doing this for something twice as big. Well, I guess if you're a known writer you can hire someone to proof read and edit. Still, it's a lot of work. No wonder it takes so much time to publish a book after the author is done writing it.


7. Catchy first and last paragraph.

I think my last paragraph is good but my first paragraph, agh! I'm still thinking of how to improve it. 

I have read lots of books that have very good first paragraphs. The one I can remember right now is the Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Very catchy. 

For the ending, it has to be from One hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

8. You need to end a chapter with a hook. 

Hooks are  like a cliff hanger. Something to entice the reader to read the next chapter.

For me it’s hard because sometimes I don’t even know how to break my stories let alone think of a hook. 

Sometimes I end up re-distributing a handful of chapters just to make it work.


9. The characters.
I need to make sure my characters are interesting. That I have described their personality very well.
The only author whom I think can do this very well is Ayn Rand. When the character is psychotic, it's like you're actually there talking to this psychotic. 

I have yet to learn how to make them interesting.


10. Dialogue. 
It's hard to think of witty dialogues. So I admire those authors like David Sedaris or Erma Bombeck who can make me really laugh out loud.
I also admire those authors like, Charlotte Bronte and Ayn Rand who can make me ugly cry with beautifully written monologue or dialogue.


11. Originality
There's nothing more fascinating than reading a book and then say "oh wow! I wish I have thought of that". I remember thinking this when I learned about the "Room of Requirement", from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter.

12. It teaches.
I love authors who teach me new stuff by inserting it in their story line. Not the kind that will get my head spinning like how Penumbra's 24-hour Library did (and to think I am in the software engineering line of work and it still made my head spin), I think it's called info-dump. I like the kind of info that’s subtle that there’s story surrounding it and not just throwing it in the book to make it sound intelligent. My favorite is B. Obama's "A promised Land". That book taught me a lot.

There you go. 

I am not claiming I am an expert because I'm very very far from it. Like from 'i suck' to ' i suck so much', I'm at 'i suck so very very much'.

I just want to share what I had to go through when I did my first attempt and how I am grateful for the authors of my favorite books who had entertained me all these years.

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A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets

 A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets.

Have you ever heard or have seen that line? I don't remember where I have seen it but it stuck to me.  It was my mantra while I was going thru college.


I remember, when I was in college, the bus I was taking to school would pass by this small village occupied by low income families,  houses with tattered roof, toddlers running about with snotty noses and holes on their almost see-through sandos. Haggard looking mothers screaming at the top of their lungs and cursing left and right for their offspring to go inside the house begging them to help with chores. The scattered fresh laundry waving in the air filling the whole street looking like fiesta banners. It was a depressing sight and one that makes me paranoid and cringe. I was perpetually scared to end up in a place like that.

You see, I did not come from a well-to-do family. Sure, I graduated from a private Catholic school, but that's because my father got lucky to land a job that pays good money for a blue collar job. He was working for a rich pharmaceutical laboratory. Unfortunately, he was laid off by the time I finished high school because of some company merging. He was offered hefty "buy-off", a force retirement money and we could have lived very comfortably through my college years. Unfortunately, my father had been a victim of the Ponzi scheme and he lost half of his money (he was planning to use that money to renovate our house). Thankfully, we survived that predicament, and I was still able to graduate.


It wasn't just the money that helped me go through college though, it was “my mantra”. I was so scared that I would fall inlove, lose control, throw caution to the wind, end up getting pregnant and land in that "village" as a bonus. 

I.was.very.paranoid. 

It's a good thing though. It kept me in line. Everytime I meet a guy that I like I remind myself of “the village”. I had an "almost boyfriend" early in my college years but I never really had a real one until I was in my 3rd year (I was a late bloomer). I don't see him too much though (I was a "sideline" I later found out), so I guess that somehow helped too. 

Where am I going with this?

Recently, a family member is going through some health issues, serious health issues, and it's because of "throwing caution to the wind". A few moments of pleasure, with some bad friends (not all his friends are bad though), and lack of self-control, and voila, he's now in a very bad condition. A condition that can never be reversed. He might not be able to walk anymore in a year or two.


"A few moment's of pleasure a lifetime of regrets"


It amuses me how each one of us are wired differently. You would think common sense is, well, common, but apparently it’s not. Some would always err on the side of caution; while some gamble with fate, even if the most common of all common sense are sending alarm bells.

Some would say I am paranoid, but I disagree. I am just cautious. I'm being responsible. I try to choose the path of less regret  ("try" as the operative word, because let's face it, we all have our weaknesses). Thankfully, I have the foresight to know what the consequences of any misdemeanor. It's not rocket science, really, it's just, well, common sense. Sometimes, listening to older people’s advises, or observing other people’s mistakes very much help too.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for some. You will be surprised how some people just don't have that “cause-and-effect” concept wired in their brain. They live in the moment. They only care about the now. They like the thrill of it.

Or maybe they just like doing mind games and like being stubborn to spite a nagging sister. What’s the gain in that though? Who will suffer in the end? 

I remember my father's friend. He was an alcoholic. I remember my mom reprimanding my dad for hanging out with this friend because every time they are together my father will always come home drunk. One day, I was just in elementary that time, that friend of my father had a stroke. You probably know what that means, half your body is dead. That friend of my father has been cursing alcohol ever since. He regrets how he took his health for granted and because of that he can never go back to his old self. 

Every afternoon I would see him walking by our street (he was exercising)with his right arm folded permanently infront of his chest (think butler carrying a towel by his arm), with the right hand flopping and lifeless while he takes slow steps and dragging his right leg while walking. I really feel bad for him.

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".

How many times have we seen or watch movies or even know someone who are teenage mothers? Didn't finish high school and at 22 has 6 kids, living in that "village", with an alcoholic for a husband. Gone are the days where she thinks her husband was the cutest thing. She's despising now how she let him touch her. "But it was wonderful", she would say. She was never touched like that before. Unfortunately, that touch lead to having twins. She had to drop out of school because she's embarrassed and it just went downhill after that.

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".

Now that I have kids of my own, I am hoping to instill to them the importance of making good choices. I don't know if having a foresight for consequences are genetic or instilled but I sure want them to learn to practice common sense…or the basic concept of   “cause and effect”…  and the meaning of...

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".


....and I really hope I would atleast succeed on that regards...

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Punished by the Undeserving

I toiled.
I invested my time and energy.
Only in the end to be squandered by someone undeserving.

Are all responsible ones destined, cursed, to take care of the irresponsible ones?
Why? Where is justice in that? 

Will responsible ones always be marked as selfish if they want to take care of themselves first, using the fruits of their labor, mind you, before taking care of others?

Will this, taking care of the irresponsible ones, be a continuous cycle until the responsible humans' supplies run dry? But who then will take of the responsible race if their supplies did run dry?

Where do we draw the line in the sand and say "enough is enough".

It is not our fault that they became what they are. We tried to teach them "how to fish" but they declined, and now we, the responsible ones, need to feed them fish every time they are in need?

Why are we, responsible beings, being punished for being sensible and having the foresight to know the consequences of bad choices?

Ofcourse we will help. That's the thing, we can't help it, we just help. Even if we're already being taken advantage of. 

Ah, the injustice of it all.

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How do you find "the one"?

 

“I’ve never bought into that “You Just Know” notion. Love is a tricky thing. Sometimes it feels like an undeniable force that hits between the eyes and doesn’t let up. Other times, it’s malleable, questionable. It’s truth hidden in and amongst external obstacles and internal circumstances that’ve formed who you are, what you expect in the world, and how you can accept love. Oh, to say the least, it’s complicated. And if a mind’s abuzz with pressure and deadlines and “What if this and that,” I imagine love’s truth would be a near-impossible thing to feel. I wonder if, when all’s quiet in your mind, you’ll find your answer." - From Anne with an E

So how do you know if that person is "the one"?
Do birds really just suddenly appear? Stars just fall out from the sky?
Is it when butterflies start fluttering in your stomach? Or when you feel the flush on your cheeks?

When I was a young girl and didn't know any better, I have ideas of what "the one" is. I'm sure every person has their own preferences for a mate and while I don't necessarily agree with the "tall dark and handsome" criteria, I do like the idea of the "handsome" part. Problem is, I was a bit self-conscious about my physical appearance that "handsome" is somewhat way out of my league. Cute would suffice. Tall? Doesn't matter to me. I'm fine as long as he's not shorter than I am. Dark? Well, it's not that I have a colonial mentality and I'm not a racist, but I always get attracted to people with fairer complexion....well, and  also those who are slanted-eyed...


I will not enumerate the items in my loooong list of specifications but what I do want to mention is how that long list started shrinking as I get older.  You might say that's because I'm less choosy. Less choosy because I don't want to end up  "naiwan ng tren" (left by train aka spinster).  Maybe you're right and I'm just in denial but I really feel that is not the case.

Interestingly enough, at least for me, my preferences have evolved as I get older and after I have interacted with different kinds of people. While my list did get shorter, some of my preferences also got a little more intimidating (ie: from cute, he also needs to have a college degree). Ironically, my list also got a little less demanding (ie: from "he has to be rich" to "comfortable or middle class").  Mind you, I'm not settling, I just learned to be more realistic. Also, later on, as you meet more people from all walks of life, you also realize that physical appearance doesn't really matter at all. It's a nice-to-have but not the "be-all, end-all".  Again, I'm not 'settling', it's just how circumstances and experiences opened my eyes. Excuse the dramatics.

Case in point, have you ever met a couple where you would never think of them to be a good match just because the other one is too pretty (or too handsome) than the partner?  I have met a few of those couples. Let me tell you something tho, it’s only after you start talking to that person, who you think does not deserve the other (attractiveness-wise), will you realize what endearing characters this person have. As bright as day, you will know exactly what his/her partner saw in him/her. 

Personality. 

Most specifically, personality that matches or compliments yours. 

As my Emotional Quotient matures, atleast I’m hoping this is what’s happening, I realized how important it is for me to enjoy a person’s presence without feeling obliged to talk all the time. Someone I’ll be comfortable to sit with while I let my thoughts soar with the wind without the  need to rush it to come back to earth, meanwhile just enjoying that person’s presence or the touch of his hands on mine. I realized that someone who knows how to listen, and I mean really listen, and knows how to empathize is more important than someone with a washboard abs. I realized that someone who shares your passion, your love for travel or food or adventure or a book is better than someone with a perfectly chiseled face. I realized that someone who makes you laugh or shares your sense of humor and enjoys long walks with you is better than someone who showers you with gifts but is not really....there.
I know what you’re thinking. That those are hard to find. I agree. While it’s true that some had found their “the one” early in their life’s journeys (i met a few, and they are what we so fondly call childhood/highschool sweethearts), others will  take a while. Others will have to meet a few wrong people along the way first. 

I’m one of those “others” but I think there is still something to be thankful for about that. I sincerely believe that those who walked away from you may have left your heart crushed and may have made you feel that it’s better to wallow in self-pity and to stay under a cloak of despair and to never want to face the world again, was introduced to us so we would learn how to “screen” better next time.  I will not sugar coat it, it will sometimes make you hate humanity and you will feel that your heart is broken into tiny little pieces like the sand scattered along the shore, that it seems impossible to put it back together again. 

I know that feeling too well. I have been there more times than I wanted to. Inspite of it all, I’m still thankful because those who walked away from me also taught me a very valuable lesson about myself and about how important it is to find someone where both of you are looking at the same direction. How important it is to find someone that you know is in the same page as you. It is enough to convince you to slowly climb out of your somber and try again.

"What is done cannot be undone, but at least one can keep it from happening again" - Anne Frank

I’d like to think that if someone I love walked away from me, it is not because I’m at  fault. Well not “always”, at least. While it’s true that it takes 2 to tango there are still some situations where no one can ever point a finger at you. There are just people out there who were born to make you cry. Sometimes, it's not even that. Sometimes "you" are the one who needs to do the "walking away". It's a dreadful feeling but I try not to dwell on it for too long. Cry if you must. Seek solitude if you must. Then move on. At least that's how I deal with it.

I know, easier said than done. Each of us has our own level of tolerance about certain things, people, situations... but please do try. We learn from our mistakes. You might have heard that a thousand times, but don’t you think it’s true? 

Don’t you find yourself becoming more cautious after a certain mistake? I’d like to think that the more you learn from your mistakes, the better choices you make and the closer you get to the person born for you.

Ahm...

....maybe I should rephrase that. 

"Born for you”.

While it does sounds romantic, it also insinuates that we don’t have a say on the matter and that someone or some One (ie: God) had already decided for us because He thinks we are incapable of making decisions. I don't buy that. Do you? I'm sure you don’t too. So instead of "born for you" let's just say "the one you are looking for and is also looking for you". Right. I think that sounds better, I think. Less romantic sounding though but more, hmm, what’s the word, tangible. It’s a more optimistic way of thinking that  he/she is there, somewhere, just caught in a traffic or still in the process of realizing that he/she is with the wrong person.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms" - Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road

 

photo by yours truly

Post Script:

I want to tell you about my "the one".

We are, what you might call, an unlikely couple. We met under some extra ordinary circumstances and timing and if you are to try and dissect the timing and the hows of how we met, you would think that the universe conspired for us to be together.

He is handsome with an iridescence of a piercing blue eyes. Although this really wasn't part of my list, but it sure is a nice bonus but that’s not what attracted me to him. 

What I do like most about him is his big heart, how he takes care of the people who means to him, and how he takes care of  me. I never had anyone took care of me or have pour all his attention to me the way he did. 

I'm used to doing the “taking care” bit. The showering someone with affection. Let’s just say he showered me with the same language of love that my love tank used to be full of. It’s just hard not to fall in love with a wonderful person like him and I thank my stars for him.

We have our "moments" of course, as all couples do. No, I am not being defensive, but hear me out. 

Couples are two different people, with different experiences, culture, upbringing, etcetera and fighting is an opportunity to learn about each others differences, feelings and thoughts and an opportunity to compromise and work as team. 

I must say, it is hard to think of it that way when your blood is boiling, you have reached your tolerance level and currently swimming with anger,  but fighting, err, communication is important. It just, you know, have varying levels of "communication intensity", if you know what I mean *lol*. 

How about you. What's your story?

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What a year, huh?

How have you been?

I hope everyone in your family is doing OK, including you. 

As for me, I'm thankful to still be alive. Happy that I have celebrated yet another birthday. Still paranoid about getting sick and dying, though, but happy to be alive. Pwera usog.

...i bought my fave cake, and sent a note to myself, lol...
that's how happy i am that i'm still alive :D

this is not the cake i bought...this one's from hubby...

We had our share of bumps (COVID 19 had struck my loved ones some time in July but they're OK now - Thank you, God!) but in spite of it all, we soldiered on. After all, we're still together and at the end of the day that really is all that matters. We are still not out of the woods but, with God's grace, we would surpass this too. 


Some COVID-wentos:

My county had shutdown late March because of this pandemic, but I have started working from home a few weeks prior that because I don't want to risk my health (I have Asthma, and therefore one of those high-risk). We also have pulled out our kids from daycare a few weeks prior the shutdown. 


It was tough working from home (WFH) with 2 toddlers screaming and getting into all sorts of mischief but we managed.

The county re-opened late May. It was called "yellow phase", and more and more establishments have  opened (with restrictions), including my kids daycare. We didn't take them back right away, though. We waited a couple of weeks until the daycare had perfected and iron out some of the details of the "new" normal. My husband and I, on the other hand continued working from home.

We missed our friends dearly but we're thankful for their thoughtfulness, prayers and words of encouragement.  We have postponed all plans of travelling by plane but we were able to sneak in some beach time when most of the states were in the yellow phase.  The birthdays in my family were all anti-social themed, lol. Meaning, it was just us and some "face time-ing" with relatives. We were still able to make it interesting though so the kids will still enjoy it. We had a Frozen theme birthday party for my daughter and Ghostbusters theme for my son. I made their cakes (and cupcakes).

Fast forward to late October, I got a new job. It's the same industry as my previous one but pays better. I've been with the previous company for 8 years and have acquired a new skill set during the last 3 years of working there. This new skill set is what paved way to this new job and much better salary to boot. The only thing is that it's a double-edged sword. It can either be a blessing or a curse. A blessing because a lot of  that particular industry needs that certain skill set but not a lot of Software Engineers with Java background has that. You know how it is; more demand + less supply = inflated price.  A curse because, while there is still some Java programming, it's just "some" Java programming. So hopefully my decision won't bite me in the end. Although, I think I will be alright. I have 17 years Java experience and I am Java certified. Old as that maybe, but I think I am at a point where I don't need to be too self conscious about my Java years of experience. It's like riding a bike. You never forget it. Atleast for me that's the case. I hope.

So far so good. I like my new team mates. I am WFH full time. Yes, full time remote. My team had been working from home full time even prior the pandemic.That's because they are scattered around the US so there's really no need to go to the office. 

What else.

I have a new series addiction called The Outlander. It started with my imX Pilates instructor (Reformer pilates, not the mat one) talking about it and eventually I got curious enough to try and watch it. I have binged watch the series and now reading the books. I'm in book 7 currently. It's about time travel with some bits of history and romance. Main character is a Scottish highlander called Jamie Fraser and a Sassenach named Claire Randall. Try it, you might enjoy it.

the most number of books i have read in a span of a year!

I have a semi-big project back in the Philippines that will start  in "session" by first week of January. The planning and analysis was done this year (Aug-Dec 2020) and with God's grace, I'm hoping it to be "functional" before year 2021 ends. Will you include me in your prayers, please? I am much obliged.

Health-wise, I think I'm OK. I'm starting to feel aches and pains here and there but nothing that a dose of advil won't cure, lol. I try not to take meds for every aches and pains though. I love my liver. 

As usual, I am just yapping about.

How about you? How are you? Anything good that came out from this pandemic. I know, I know, an oxymoron, but you know what they say, if life gives you lemons, get a tequila and salt. LOL. Are you a plantita/tito now too? Any new hobbies? New routine that you think is worth continuing? 

Oh, I forgot, I am learning 2 new instruments. A ukelele and a banjo. Hubby got me a banjo for my birthday. The ukelele, I bought on impulse (agh! i need to stop doing that). Ukelele, is easy (well, so far). It's like a guitar but I'm just worried it will mess me up with my guitar chords memory bank and have them all mixed up. The banjo though, that I need a formal lesson. I'm just waiting for when it's safer to go out and do lessons in person. I probably can wing it using youtube (like what i did with the  ukelele) but I need someone to correct my "form" and my strumming/plucking. Can't wait to start playing some of Keith Urban's songs (my main reason why I want one).

Alright I'm done.

but before I end my post.....

May we all have a healthy new year.
May God bless us all and keep us from harm.
May we all find something to put a smile on our lips no matter what circumstances may befall us.
May we always find something to be thankful for.
Know always that someone loves you.
Happy New Year!

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Dreaming of the old

I keep dreaming about this person I know from my past. 

Like a thief in the night, when I least expect it, there that person is.

I can't for the life of me understand why. I read somewhere (or maybe someone told me) that if you dream of someone, that means you're thinking of that person. But I am not thinking of that person (but after the dream, that's a different story ofcourse). 

Someone told me (or maybe I read it) that the person might be dying or is dead and trying to tell me something. As far as I know, that person is very much alive and healthy.

I read (now this time I'm sure, because I googled it), that the person represents my anxiety or something that I need that I don't have currently. For example, if you dreamt of a highschool classmate that you have no attachment whatsoever but all you know is that person is the most shy person you have ever known, then dreaming of that person might mean, I am shy about something and I need to do something about it. Something like that. But I don't know what that person I dreamt represents. That person is doing OK in life, I'm doing OK in life. That person is smart, I'm not bad myself (how else did I ever got here and survived if I'm mediocre, modesty aside). I'm happy and content (pwera usog), that person is happy and content (I hope, I don't know much about that person anymore). What could it be then? 

I really don't know.

And it bothers me that because I dreamt of this person, I start to think about that person. I don't have issues about thinking of that person, mind you. He/she is a good person. I was fond of that person but I want to remember the good times and not the bad, and when I start thinking of that person I remember everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the in-betweens, the overs, the unders, the left, the right. 

Everything.

I don't want to remember everything. Just the good ones.  

Just the good ones.

Please. I don't want to dream of that person again.

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1..2..3..4...5-2-9!

I got my degree of Bachelor of Science in Information and Computer Science in St. Paul College Manila (it's currently renamed to St. Paul University). It's a 4 1/2 years course. The 1/2 is because of the additional courses/OJT we need to take during summer and some Saturdays (Paulthenics anyone?). 

My husband got his Bachelor's degree (major in Physics and minor in Economics) in New York University.

With this background information, it's sort of a given that we want our kids to go to college as well (if they want to, hopefully they do) and that's when this story about 529 comes in.

We started saving money, every payday (which is 2x a month) for Keith's college fund when he was still in my tummy. The husband and I agreed on a certain amount that we set aside every payday and put it in a Savings Account. When I was pregnant with Priya, we did the same thing. We also started saving for her college fund while she's still in my tummy. That means the money we need to set aside for college fund doubled because we now have 2 kids to save for (we set aside the same amount, every payday, for both kids).

image from google

Then, last year, 2018, we decided we have saved enough to open a 529 (thru Vanguard).

So what is 529?  It's a college savings fund. It’s a tax-advantaged investment account that works like a Roth IRA, offering tax-free growth and tax-free withdrawals (also see: 5 Reasons to Start a 529 Plan). Want an example? Here's an excerpt from how-much-to-save-for-your-childs-college/ :|
"If you have a 4-year-old child targeting a private university, your monthly savings goal might be $700/month using a savings account versus $400/month with a 529 college savings plan. That’s a big difference!"

image from montco.today

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Everything is Half Chance

everything is half chance.

sometimes all it takes is just one decision and it could alter the course of your life.

it's a new year, and what perfect time to look back and be thankful for everything that have led you to this day. what a perfect time to reflect on the things you said yes or no to that led you to where you are right now.

this is a story of  a series of yeses and nos that led me here, right now, on this chair, typing on this computer.  this is a story of owning up to your decisions, good or bad. this is a story of my journey on getting what i have always dreamed of. hopefully, it would inspire some who are in the crossroads of their life and afraid to take that next step.

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while i was still in college my first goal was to apply as an immigrant in New Zealand but i didn't have the money to pay for the processing fee that time. fortunately, an opportunity to work in the U.S. came and the New Zealand goal was put on the back burner.

first, second & third U.S. job opportunity

once upon a time there were these 5 friends who just recently graduated from college. they found out about this scholarship in  Ateneo but they have to pay the exam fee and of course pass the entrance exam. If they pass they will also have an opportunity to get hired by a U.S. based company if they find them to be a good candidate. they all thought it's worth trying, except for one person. one of the 5 friends thinks the fee is too high, and that she'd rather buy a nice blouse with that money. the other 4, however, proceed with their plan. but only 3 of them passed.

i was one of the 3.

my first opportunity to work in the U.S. was year 1998, during the Y2K scare. i was fortunate to be offered a job while doing the scholarship training in Ateneo. it's a COBOL programming job based in Manhattan, New York. for someone who is fresh from college, that is a BIG deal. that IS something to be proud of. unfortunately, that didn't materialize but i did get my first U.S. working visa, called H1B.

second opportunity came 3 years later but

that didn't materialized either because of the September 11 terrorist attack at the World Trade Center in New York.

i have jumped from one employer to another in the philippines after the failed US job opportunities but in 2005 i was fortunate to be sent  to an offshore project in raleigh, north carolina. yes, U.S.A.!! i stayed there for a few months and was sent back again in 2006, where i, again, stayed for a few months.

with my pinoy co-workers who were, like me, sent to raleigh-north carolina

 for a temporary US work assignment

my raleigh cubicle.

4th US job opportunity - permanent (1st U.S. employer)

i started looking for a job in the U.S. online (dice.com) hoping someone would hire me and process a U.S. working visa for me (H1B), again. my first U.S. working visa  have long expired and even if it didn't, i cannot just switch employers. the succeeding employer should be willing to invest the time and money to transfer the H1B to them first before i could work for them, that is the process. H1B is for 1 employer only. also, H1B is only good for 3 years but can be extended for another 3 years. so it only has 6 years maximum validity in total.

2005 was when i started my US job hunt and eventually my persistence paid off and got, not just one,  but 2 US job offers from 2 different US consulting firms. both companies applied for H1Bs for me and both got approved but i only went for the U.S. embassy interview for just one of them. this was in 2006. then on feb 14, 2007, i left the philippines and moved to the U.S.

reality sets in

i'm a software engineer by profession. java is my forte. i started out as a COBOL programmer but when my first company (the one who gave me my 1st H1B) offered a formal training in java, i jumped on that opportunity, i didn't have to think twice. i'm glad i did because that paved way to other job opportunities including  the temporary U.S. work assignments i just mentioned and eventually landing a permanent job here in the U.S.

i have always wanted to work and live outside the Philippines. for me that means adventure. independence, a breath of fresh air.being in the U.S. is just icing on the cake. i'm actually OK even if it's close by, like, Singapore (well, sort of..i dilly-dally on all my Singapore offers).

living outside your comfort zone is not always fine and dandy though. i'll be lying if i say i enjoyed every bit of  my independent life as a professional in the U.S. i didn't have friends when i came to the U.S. and the only Filipinos i know that time are 3 of my male co-workers (whom i only see during lunch time) and a few classmates from Ateneo   (whom i very very seldom see).

i go home to an empty apartment everyday. literally empty. i didn't have furnitures. i didn't even have a proper bed (i had an air mattress). i'm not a tv person so even though someone donated a tv to me, i really didn't use it.

first solo apartment : this is what my room looks like...
that's an air mattress that messed up my back

here's what my living room looks like.empty.
tv is courtesy of a coworker

homesickness is real. 

you learn to survive on your own. you learn to make dishes or make your own filipino bread that you never thought you'll learn to make just because you were craving for it so bad and a filipino resto/store/bakery is a 2-hour drive away.

living outside the country is not for the weak of heart. it can be a very lonely and challenging experience specially if you're just starting and not used to living on your own. i was getting depressed that i almost threw in the towel. i was ready to go back to the Philippines.

but decided not to.

that's because i found out that the one main reason i want to go back to the Philippines for is beyond my reach anymore. i admit, i did attempt to get that main reason back but after much thought and deliberation i decided it's best for all parties if i just let go. it was a difficult decision but i can't be selfish.

it still has a happy ending though. things just started falling into place after that. not right away, but eventually it did. it's like the stars have finally aligned for me. indeed, good things come to those who patiently wait.

story of the 2nd U.S. employer

i had to change employer because i didn't feel my US employer was treating me well. i was lucky that the second employer was very willing to transfer my H1B from my 1st employer to them, which means, paper work, legal stuff and money. i guess they like me enough that they are willing to go thru that painful process just to have me on board.

this 2nd employer is also the one responsible for taking care of processing my greencard (aka permanent residency), that i got shortly after 2+ years of working for them. i made sure that they will process my greencard and was one of the bargaining deals i had with them before i signed their job offer.

the thing about greencard

greencard processing usually takes 10+ years but i insisted that i want to go the EB-2 route, which is a shorter wait but a more risky and tedious process. but i was confident that i fall in that category so i insisted on it. my other option, which is less risky, and easier process, was the usual route (EB-1). but  that would throw me back for 10+ years because it has a huge backlog (not sure if that changed now).

because i took the EB-2 route, i got my green card May of 2010 (after 2+ years only). i remember my boss, going to my cubicle and telling me: "marlin, don't you dare quit.. you put us in too much pain processing your greencard, that you are forbidden to quit"..in a joking manner of course, but i'm pretty sure  that joke was half meant :P.

new zealand in my mind

i have another plan brewing in my mind, though. after all that greencard hoopla, and whether or not i get my greencard, i still plan to pursue my New Zealand application. i still visit my New Zealand online application from time to time and every time i thought i was ready to hit the "submit" button (and pay the fee), there's always something that's stopping me. i just can't make myself click that button.

me at work in 2010..yes, CRT monitors lol

(you can skip this part and scroll down to "where am i going with this...")

wishes do come true

i met my husband from my 2nd U.S. employer. he's also a software engineer like me. he does C++, i use java. he does PC-based programming while i do web applications (i do back-end stuff so don't ask me about javascript and html, that's front-end).

we didn't click right away but he was very persistent and eventually i realized he's starting to grow on me. we then started going out in 2010 and he proposed one new year's eve (1.1.2011).

was i scared? yes. i wasn't sure if i'll make a good wife, or if i'm ready to be someone's wife. but i was also excited. it's like embarking on a whole new adventure. plus i know R will make a very good husband (and i wasn't wrong, he is a blessing).

we got married a year and a half later after the proposal. it could have been sooner but i just renewed my apartment lease a month before he proposed (i moved and changed apartment when i change jobs so it'll be an easier commute)  and if i cancel my apartment renewal, i still have to pay the whole year of rent. we have to save for our wedding anyway, so waiting another year isn't as bad.

second solo apartment that i have lived for 4  years

prior to getting married

we got married civilly in spring time of 2012.  initial plan was to get married in the philippines but we need to get married civilly first to make the requirements less complicated. it was supposed to be just a simple wedding but one thing led to another and we ended up having an intimate beach wedding. we managed to keep our guest list small & we just invited my husband's relatives (because they can't all go to the philippines) and a handful of my friends.

civil wedding in Cape May

then on jan 2013 was when we got married in the philippines...i was ready to give that up because it was too stressful and expensive but it was the hubby who convinced me to push through with it as a tribute to my parents. specially since they were not able to attend our first (and what we consider official) wedding - the civil wedding.

let's recap:

Nov 2007 - i changed employer (who transferred my H1b and took care of my greencard)
May 2010 - i got my greencard
Jan 2011 - i got engaged and started the church wedding plans right away
May 2012 - i got married (civilly)
Jan 2013 - i got married in church (in the Philipines)

path to U.S. citizenship 

next step for me is citizenship and i have 2 options.

option 1: apply for citizenship via marriage to a U.S. citizen.

        the rule is we have to be married for 3 years before i can use that option. which means i will qualify to use option 1 on May 2015.

option 2:  apply for citizenship via my employer.

        the rule for this is, i have to be a greencard holder for atleast 5 years to use this option. which means i will qualify to use option 2, guess what, also on May 2015. remember, i got my greencard May 2010, plus 5 years is May 2015.

yes, either option will work for me but i chose option 2. why? it's good for my ego (no one can tell me i just married my husband for citizenship :P) also because option 2 has less requirements. here's the list of citizenship requirements  if you're curious (see Step 3 -> document check list). depending on how much backlog your state has, and if you have all your paperwork in order and you didn't miss your citizenship interview, you should be able to get your U.S. citizenship in less than a year.

that's it.

that has been my journey, so far,  and some of you may already know that i am still happily married and that i am now a mom of 2 charming babies - a boy and a girl.

so, where am i going with this, you say...

the what-ifs

what do you think will happen if i didn't apply for that scholarship program in Ateneo?



what do you think will happen if i didn't take that opportunity to learn java?



what do you think will happen if i gave up after 2 failed attempts to work in the U.S.?



what do you think will happen if i  chose to stay in the philippines and not pursue my life long dream of working and living outside the country?



what do you think will happen if i continued my application to migrate in New Zealand?



what do you think will happen if i said no to the wedding proposal?

honestly, i don't know the answers either, but i can guess.

what i do know is, so far, i like the outcomes of my decisions and if i can go back in time, i won't change any of it (except maybe buy a lot of amazon stocks, lol).

so yeah. everything is half chance. be careful what you say yes or no to. if  it turned out to be a bad decision, own up to it, dust the dirt off your butt and try again. i agree, it's scary but don't let the fear of what could happen make NOTHING happen. just like what my favorite quote from Mark Twain said:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.Sail away from the safe harbor.Catch the trade winds in your sails.Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

this new year we are presented with a new clean slate. let's fill those pages with wonderful stories again. here's to more yeses and nos! happy 2018!

note: highlighted texts are clickable.

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Life's mysterious ways

 I have been rocking mommyhood (well, at least according to me, pagbigyan nyo na ako, haha)  for 20 months now.  Hard to believe for someone who can't even grow a plant, lol.

Flashback...........


Year 1999.
"I'm sorry, P stopped sending people to the U.S. at the moment but just be patient they might again soon. Atleast, you already have your H1B and as soon as a position opened up you can leave right away. We'll keep you posted."
2000, I resigned.


Year 2001.
I was watching the September 11 attacks unfold on TV.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Horror.
“What’s going to happen to my job offer in California now?”


Year 2006.
"If you ask me to stay, I will stay".
"No, I don't want to get in between your life long dream".
"Will you follow?"

Year 2007.
"Where are you?"
"I'm on my way to work".
"I hope you're sitting down."
"Why what happened?"
"I got her pregnant. I didn't plan for this. I'm so sorry, but I can't walk away from my responsibility".

Year 2009.
Home alone.
A little too tipsy.
Halfway through a bottle of tequila (which I would never be able to look at the same way again).
“I am a strong, independent woman. I will not feel sorry for myself.
 Happy New Year to me.”

*sobs*

Year 2011.
New Year’s Eve. Paris.
“Will you marry me?”
For a second, the noise, the people's laughter, the whole city disappeared.
Wait, am I hearing this correctly? Am I dreaming?

Ahh, yes. 2011. The year I’ll never forget.

Just when I had convinced myself I was destined for spinsterhood, life decided to surprise me.
2011 marks my life's turning point.
Was I scared? Of course.
But I was also excited.
It will be a whole new adventure.

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Amazing what life can throw at you. It's not always what you plan it to be or hope it to be but if we know how to take it as it is, ride with the flow and adjust accordingly, you'll be alright.

I made a few wrong decisions along the way. Or so I think. Looking back now, I realize those choices, messy, painful, imperfect as they were, led me exactly to where I am today....... and if I were given the chance to go back and “fix” them, I wouldn’t.

I remember my personalized wedding vow:

"I'm always amazed at how our paths crossed. I've never been so thankful for all those broken promises and for all those who broke my heart because they are like northern stars who pointed my way to you.

I love it, that out of all the thousand ways it could turn out, my life turned to you."

Every time I look at my husband sleeping peacefully beside me.
Every time my son flashes those mischievous little eyes, clearly seconds away from his next antic.
Every time I catch my own reflection in the mirror.

I’m reminded of just how lucky I am.
Blessed, if you want to call it that.

I still carry fears. I still worry about the future sometimes.
But I just keep reminding myself to "let go of what is not yet and enjoy the present".

Epilogue:

I was alone in my room, lost in thought, when suddenly I felt a kick.
The tiny jolt startled me out of my pensive mood.
And then I smiled.

“Just a few more weeks, little one.
Just a few more weeks.

Everything comes in its own time.
Like there's time for flowers to bloom or snow to sparkle.
There's a time for the moon to set and the sun to rise.
Just like when mommy met your tatay.

Just a few more weeks, little one.
Just a few more weeks, my little princess.”

-year 2017

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