An inch every time I blink

Lately, I find myself embracing my firstborn more than usual. Perhaps it’s the quiet hope, or maybe the gentle delusion that I can somehow hold back time by holding him closer.

Each time I look at his face, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the man he is becoming. His voice has already begun to change, carrying the soft echoes of adulthood. And though college is still years away, the thought of him leaving fills me with a kind of ache I didn’t expect so soon.

I know—it’s early. But can you blame me? It feels like he grows an inch every time I blink.

If I’m being honest, what I fear most isn’t just the growing up. It’s the letting go. I fear the day he no longer needs me. The day he pulls away when I reach to hug him in front of his friends. The day he cringes at a kiss on the cheek or sighs at yet another “I love you” whispered across the dinner table.

Right now, he’s still my sweet, tender-hearted boy, who meets me at the door with hugs after errands. He wraps his arms around me while I’m at the sink, or standing idly in the living room. I cherish those moments more than I ever knew I could. And I’m quietly terrified they’ll vanish the moment he turns thirteen.

But I know I can’t hold him back. As much as my arms ache to keep him close, I must help him grow, not anchor him. One day, I’ll learn to loosen my grip. One day, I’ll trust the wings we’ve grown together.

For now, I choose to sit with this feeling. I honor it. I name it. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the first step toward letting go—not of him, but of my fear.

For his sake.

I love you, my baby boy.


P.S.
It’s not favoritism, I promise. It’s just that my youngest hasn’t given off those teenage signals yet, so I’m not quite there with the worry. Besides, I figure—one wave of parental anxiety at a time, right?

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2 under 2 : When practice doesn't make perfect

Baby number 2 came into this world in Spring time of 2017. My eldest was 20 months old at that time. So yeah, we have 2 under 2.

I can no longer count how many articles I have read about introducing the new baby to the older sibling. Or how to prepare the older sibling. What I forget to read on is how to prepare "me". Just when I thought I'm a pro because this is my second, I realize I'm not.

"Very" not.

What I have here is a brand new person, brand new  personality, different gender (didn't know I still can get peed at by a baby girl during diaper time, I thought only baby boys do that!). A whole new phenomenon. It's like being a whole new parent all over again.  I might be a second time parent, but I'm a first time parent of 2. Practice doesn't make perfect in this situation.

the challenges.

1 + 1 = 3.
I have read articles on how to manage an infant and a toddler when they cry at the same time. I know what to do (see tip below). But when it happened for the first time (hubby was on an errand and I was left alone with both kids), I panicked.  It's different when you were just imagining and rehearsing in your head how you're going to deal with the situation versus when it's happening in real life. So what happened? The two crying humans became 3.

Tip: According to what I have read, when both the newborn and toddler cries at the same time you need to attend to the toddler first. Why? Because a toddler can process his surroundings already. A toddler can already process patterns. If my son realizes that mommy runs to the baby first every time both of them cries, he might start resenting his baby sister. The infant, on the other hand, doesn't know what's going on. If anything, the newborn will learn patience early in life :P.
Disclaimer: But ofcourse this is a case to case basis. Like, if it's a life threatening situation, attend to the baby first.

Guilt-ridden.
When I was still pregnant with my second, it could be hormones, but I was always feeling  a little extra weepy about my first. I felt sad that it won't just be the two of us anymore. That I won't get to spend time with him like I used to. That my time will be divided.

During the first couple of months when my daughter was born, there's always a feeling of guilt whenever I see my son playing on his own while I feed his baby sister. Or whenever my son would bring me a book he wants me to read but I can't because both my hands are occupied. My son is pretty independent and he is not a stranger to playing alone (he does that every morning while waiting for us to come to his room) but yet it still bothers me so much.

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. I love them both. It's just that the guilt is unbearable sometimes. So I try to spend some alone time with my son as much as I could (go to malls, go grocery shopping, go to playground, we even went to Sesame Place on his birthday and left the baby girl with the nanny at home).

24 hours in a day is not enough
While your love multiplies with having another child, unfortunately,  your time divides. 24 hours in a day seems not enough. My time disappears so fast.

When it was just my son, I can still count on some downtime during the day while he was napping, or quietly playing. Those stolen moments become harder to snag with two kids specially if their nap times aren't in sync yet.  For those first few months, it feels close to impossible to complete any chore or carve out personal time because it seems that someone always needs something.

In the morning I have to scramble to prepare myself to work, attend to my infant & prepare my toddler for school/daycare. During weekends there are just too many chores to do around the house and it feels like there's endless load of laundry (I do laundry every other day because seeing an overflowing hamper of dirty clothes would drive me bonkers, lol) or endless trash to take out (my toddler still wears diapers). Mind you, my husband helps, but I still feel overwhelmed.

Less and less "me" time
When I was pregnant with my first, I have the time to take care of myself and do other stuff, because- yep-he's still in my belly!  With my second, I have a toddler to run after. I remember being sooooo exhausted during my first trimester with my second pregnancy. I realized how my 1st pregnancy was a bliss compared to my second because I don't have a toddler who gets into all sorts of mischief.

Hubby and I used to take turns doing "me time". Now, we can't do that anymore (or atleast not easily). Both of us have to be at home to hold the fort. Because you know,  my toddler's timing is impeccable. He thinks the best time to be on a suicide mission to jump over that couch, head first, is while mommy's busy feeding baby sister. And my youngest? She would scream bloody murder just when I am in the middle of changing her kuya's poopy diaper.

the good side.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel
Good news is, it gets better. You learn to cope with it. Once you fall in a rhythm you won't feel as overwhelmed anymore. It’s a practice  in patience for everyone. And patience is a worthwhile lesson for me, tatay, baby #1, and baby #2, too.

You learn to chill 
I learned to be much more laid back with my second child. I don't google each and every rashes or each and every weird noise coming from my second baby.

I appreciate my second child's babyhood more. With my first, I chased after the next milestones so feverishly. I get anxious easily when the book says my son should be doing x-y-z at months 1-2-3 and he hasn't. I can't wait for him to roll over. As soon as he rolled over, I can't wait for him to crawl. As soon as he starts crawling I want him to start walking. I can't wait until he hits major milestones. I can't wait for him to do something new.

With my second, I’m far more interested in enjoying the present, because I know how quickly
time flies and how quickly "today" will turn into "the past". Now I know how quickly time passes and I now savor the stage my youngest baby is in rather than anticipate the next big thing.

Over all, we're still all learning. Slowly, but we're getting there.

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Gender reveal for Baby #2

I had CVS again for baby #2 and one of the advantage of that is you get to know the gender right away. Usually you have to wait until your 20-week anatomy scan.

I had my CVS Dec 7 and got the results back on Dec 19. I didn't want to know the gender so I told the Genetic Counselor to call the hubby instead of me for the CVS result and the gender. Then I told the hubby that I want a surprise gender reveal on Christmas day as one of my Christmas gifts and surprise he did.

He had this big box wrapped in Christmas wrapper. I had my eyes closed because I was scared to look. Yeah, I'm weird like that, lol. So I peeled off the wrapper, opened the box, still with my eyes closed and when I felt a balloon brushed my skin that's when I opened my eyes.

I saw two balloons. One pink. One blue.

At first I was confused.

Am I having twins?
I don't think so. I had several ultrasounds already and there's just one baby inside.

That's when I realized my husband is on to something. I looked at the box and the inside is lined with blue and pink gift tissues too. At that point I got a little annoyed. Blame it on my hormones, lol. I looked at the balloons again and saw something taped on the ribbon. So I annoyingly pulled the balloon down towards me while giving the hubby "the look", lol. Hubby's too entertainment by my reaction and colorful words, lol (no, i didn't curse). I looked at what looks like a business card taped on the balloon and when I went to inspect closer it was a scratch card. I have never seen anything like it. So hubby gave me a coin and I scratched it. I was still very annoyed, lol. I was expecting to see just one balloon and wasn't expecting to be tricked like that. I should have known, hubby likes to do practical jokes, lol.

So I scratched the card and saw a pink image of something. My eyes grew big. I scratched more, vigorously this time, and saw more pink. I started smiling from ear to ear and my eyes and mouth started to open wide.

"really?". i asked.
"why, what does it say?". hubby just replied.

I didn't reply. I was still busy scratching. Then I saw "It's a Girl!". I was so happy and then I cried. I was worried the hubby is still pulling my leg.

"Are you messing with me?". He said "no".
"You are not messing with me?" *sniffs*
"No, why, what does it say?".
"I don't know". I'm not sure why I said that but I was happy and upset at the same time because I still can't believe it.
"What do you mean, you don't know? What does it say?", he asked again.
"It's a girl!" .

At that point i started crying. Tears, snot (sorry TMI) and all just came running down my face. It was tears of joy, ofcourse!

I grabbed my 1 year old and hugged him
"You're going to have a baby sister", I told my son. Who is not paying attention and just watching the balloons that came flying to the ceiling.

I really thought the hubby would suddenly say "just kidding! it's another boy!". I know he won't do that, specially since he knows I want a girl so bad (I want one of each!) and that would be a bad joke but I don't know, for some reason I just didn't believe him right away, lol.

So yeah, we're having a girl and we have a name already.

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Our Favorite Baby Items

Just a list of items that we (hubby, lil one and I) love.

Bottle
My LO (lil one) had been very gassy and spits a lot until he turned 3 months.  I have tried all the anti-colic bottles (he's not colicky just really gassy) and the one that worked better for us is Dr. Brown. It never leaks and of all the other bottles we tried, that's the only bottle that gives our baby less spit-ups. If yours does leak, see this link.
Update: We also have the green ones (called Options). With the green ones you can remove the tube thing in the middle if you don't need it anymore. It's a good concept but we found out that if we did remove the tube thing the nipple keeps collapsing so we ended up still using the tube in the middle. So for us the blue or green doesn't make a difference.

Baby Monitor (non-wifi):
We love the Infant Optics .  We love it so much that we even bought an add on camera. So now we have one for the nursery and one for the living room (nanny set-up). We also bought the wide-angled lens (and we highly recommend you do). What we do wish is that they display the time on the monitor.





Swaddlers:

We used the Swaddle Me Pod from 0-4 weeks

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Lil One's Birthday One.

As a first time parent, ofcourse I made sure my lil one's first birthday was well thought of and well prepared.

We decided it's going to be a safari theme birthday. We thought it makes sense since his nursery room is safari theme and his newborn photoshoot is also a safari theme.

First, there's the cake. I have been making cakes (pro bono) for my friends birthdays as a way to practice my decorating skills and to experiment on flavors. I decided to make a marble cake, that it's going to be 2 layers. That the color will be teal and green with some animals on the cake.

the marble cake

Baking the cake is the easy part, the hard part is the decorating. I like working with fondants so I mostly decorate my cake using fondants.

before kneading the fondant

what a workable fondant looks like

There are so many details that went on the cake and had to buy several molds, like the grass mold that I used to decorate the edges of the cake. It was a tedious process but well worth it in the end.

the not-so perfect grass

I wouldn't go to the nitty-gritty details anymore so here's the finished product. Everything in this cake is edible, except the candle and the white tray the cake is sitting on. Oh, and the giraffe patterned ribbon on the top cake. That was an after thought and I'm glad I added it.

proudly made by yours truly

I pride myself as someone that pays attention to details. So in the following pictures you will see a banner that has my son's monthly photos, from 1 month until the 12th month. You will also see the table decorations of animals with party hats and gifts. I made the party hats and the gifts for the animals to make them look more festive. I just used colorful papers and tiny pompoms and a baker's twill. 

the monthly photos on the left, party animals - literally and figuratively :P on the right

You'll also see the jar with jar lids that I spray painted myself. I also spray painted the animals that I glued on the jar lids as decoration. The jar contains animal crackers, it's our give-away for the party.

I also meticulously hand-picked all the other elements on the cake table like the trays, apothecary jars, etc. I also wrapped several foams with brown packing paper and added a green ribbon as accents. I used these foams for the mallow pops and cake pops that I made. The rectangular foam I used to elevate the cake. I also made cupcakes, both regular sized and minis. The animal cookies i just bought from etsy.com. The labels I made and printed myself. The banner I ordered from etsy.com and have it printed from Staples.com.

I was also very particular with the balloons I wanted to use. The big balloons are pearl types. I just like the way they look on photos (see the balloons on the cake table).

So there you go. I don't think I will do this every year as it is very tiring. The next will probably be when he turns 7.

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Conception Anniversary

It has been a year since we found out that we were expecting.

I remember how jealous I was when a friend/ex-coworker who was sitting right next to me on Feburary 14, 2015, at a friends' wedding, told me she's pregnant. I was so happy for her but I was so sad for myself. We have been trying and I can no longer count the number of ovulation kits and pregnancy test kits that I have purchased.

After the wedding I wasn't feeling very good and I was blaming it on the egg I had that morning. I thought I had a bad one and it didn't help that my order of  "over well" was mistaken to a sunny side up.  I have stopped eating runny eggs for fear of Salmonella, but my fault, I ate it anyway. I was so enticed by my view of the Taal Volcano while having my breakfast that I just let it go and happily ate.

at 9 weeks

The next day, it was time to leave Tagaytay but I was still not feeling well. I was already not feeling well while on board Cathay Pacific from Newark airport to Manila, to begin with. I had colds. The day we left Tagaytay, I have colds, I have diarrhea, I was coughing and I was having an Asthma attack. I kept trying to tell myself I can't get sick because we still need to go to Singapore and Thailand and Bohol. So off I went to Mercury drug store and bought Decolgen, Biogesic and Ventolin tablets. "Kaya ko to!", I said to myself. Although it's more like, I was trying to convince myself na kaya ko nga 'to because I don't want to disappoint the hubby and I am really excited to go to Thailand.

From Tagaytay, we went straight to the airport so we could fly to Singapore. I was still not feeling well but alteast I haven't gotten worst. I even was able to meet with my college buddies in Singapore for late dinner the night we arrived.

an instagram post, capturing that night

I had to do my blood work and I was supposed to do it while in the Philippines but decided to just do it in Singapore. So the next day, Feb 16, 2015, Singapore time, very early in the morning, I   hopped on a train from Bayfront (we were staying at Marina Bay Sands) to go to Bugis for the Raffles Hospital (I didn't bother taking the hubby with me). I have my script with me with a "Stat" on it and instructions on how the hospital can send the results over to my doctor. Then I went back to the hotel, took a nap and then took hubby around (I've been in Singapore before, back in 2005). Then around 11am (still Feb 15, 11pm EST), I got a message from the hospital that they already sent my results to my doctor.

Come late dinner time, hubby and I decided to try this restaurant called Ku-de-ta (which is now called Ce-la-vi). I was still not feeling well. My taste buds are so off and I attributed it to being sick. I still have colds and was coughing. I was looking at the cocktails menu then decided to check my emails first. That was around 10pm, Singapore time or 10am EST. There I saw an email from my doctor. It was a secure email that I had to log on to an external site to see it, pain in the butt that is. So after trying to remember what my password was I was able to see my doctor's message. He said everything looks good and that by the way, I am pregnant. Then he gave me an instruction to do another blood test in 2 days. He wants to see if my hCG level doubles.

at 18 weeks

Two days later was when we leave for Thailand. Good thing our flight wasn't until the afternoon so I was able to go to Raffles hospital early in the morning again to do my blood work. Come evening of that day, I received a secure email again from my doctor telling me that my hcG is doubling, and, that yes, I am still very pregnant.

We were ecstatic and scared at the same time. I mean, who wouldn't be? It's a dream come true, yes, but having a kid is a lot of responsibility plus we are older couple so we're worried about genetic abnormalities, etc. But we decided to take things one step at a time. No need to worry about problems that is not yet.

We still went through with our trips but had to be more careful about what I eat and drink (gawd, that Thai coffee is really good, but I only took a sip). I still did ride the elephants. I still went snorkeling in Panglao (Balicasag). What I didn't get to do is massages. They don't want to massage a pregnant woman. Big bummer!

even though i know it already, i still bought a pregnancy kit while in
Thailand just to experience seeing those 
2 magical lines!

We didn't tell anyone I'm pregnant except for those who need to know. Like my manager and my Reformer Pilates instructor and the couple we're supposed to travel to Santorini with that year. Our plan is not to tell anyone until atleast I'm on my 2nd trimester. That's the rule of thumb, they say, because that's when you'll know the pregnancy is viable.

When I came back from our vacation the first thing I did was schedule a doctor's appointment. I want a sonogram. That's when they told me confirmed that I am high risk because of my age. This made me all the more cautious to tell anyone about my pregnancy since I wasn't even sure if the baby will "stick".

So we kept it a secret. I didn't even tell anyone back in the Philippines. I don't want to tell them the news only to tell later that I lost the baby. My thinking was, the less people who know, the less people I'll have to tell the bad news. I don't know. I was just so paranoid. Maybe because I still can't believe my dream is finally happening but there's a big question mark hanging over my head.

at 25 weeks

At 12 weeks we found out we're having a boy because we had to do CVS (chorionic-villus-sampling). My health insurance covers it because I was high-risk. We also did micro-array with our CVS because we want to cover as much genetic tests as possible. Why, you ask? It's for health, economic, psychological, and financial reasons. We are older couple. Our kid will out live us. If he/she has problems, who would take care of him/her if we're no longer in this world? Are we going to burden our other family members to take care of our special needs child? Even if they willingly take our kid, wouldn't that be selfish of us and unfair to give them that stress? We need to look at the bigger picture. We can't be selfish. We will need more complex planning, more complex preparations, lots of complex decision-making and we need to be mentally prepared if we have a special needs child, so we really want to know upfront, therefore those genetic testings.

Thankfully,  all the genetic testing results came out normal and again, that's how we found out we're having a boy

It was a semi-easy pregnancy for me. I didn't have to bond with the toilet bowl but I did have a lot of "almost there". I wasn't eating very well because everything is a gag trigger. Coffee smells like skunk. Some dishes smells like poop. It's like my nose turned against me. Food advertisements is a gag trigger. Seeing huge slab of meat is a gag trigger. The only thing that I can bring down my throat during my first semester are soup (non cream-base, otherwise it's a gag trigger) or  sour food.The first dish I made when I came back from our vacation in the Philippines is Sinigang.  Majority of the food I eat are sour food. If I can dip it in vinegar, I can eat it. Ice candy (or ice pops, as they call it here) are my life savers too. Come 3rd trimester my taste buds were back to normal but it's a different dilemma. This time it's like my whole anatomy is on strike. Everything was achy.

And here we are. February 16, 2016. Our baby boy is now almost 5 months old. Very talkative. Smiles and giggles on mundane and silly little things and is starting to know how to voice out his opinions.

God is good.

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Random Thoughts of a New Mom

So, I am a mom now...
   ...and I have already forgotten what an 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep feels like.
or 5... or 3... or 2... or 30 minutes


So, I am a mom now...
   ... and I can no longer shower in peace (if i even get the chance to do it), because my baby knows exactly when to cry. Yep, when mommy's in the middle of shampooing her hair
   ... oh, and don't get me started on when I'm in the middle of pooping.


So, I am a mom now...
   ... and now I say goodbye to spontaneous trip because a trip now involves 10,000 more things to pack and 15,000 more things to consider because you know, i have a tiny pooping machine, err, i mean tiny human company.


So, I am a mom now...
  ... and I can no longer hastily make decisions.
  Like, you know that eggnog cocktail I've been craving for with extra shot of rum? I can't have it because baby's breastfeeding in 30 minutes.


So, I am a mom now...
   ... and that new gadget I so want to buy? not happening.
   Because now I have to think of daycare expenses and 529 Plans.


So, I am a mom now...
   ...and that unfinished sandwich with a single bite sitting for hours on the dining table was mine... because baby decided to poop (and is now screaming bloody murder) around the same time mommy is taking a bite of her breakfast, lunch, dinner or midnight snack.


So, I am a mom now...
   ... i used to wear perfume...now my perfume is my son's pee..
i have a bellagio fountain right in front of our changing table...wanna see?


So, I am a mom now...
   ... and in spite of all these, i am not looking forward to my maternity leave ending... i'm already having separation anxiety just thinking about going back to work... i  don't think i can even last 5 minutes.

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i'm having twins

...not really

but i feel like that sometimes. that or i'm having an octopus for a baby (the way he moves sometimes feels like he has 2 sets of legs).

maternity photoshoot at 30 weeks

                    

i'm loving every one of his movements though. even if his jabs and kicks startle me. i cannot count anymore the number of times i have yelped and jumped on my seat because my little one had punched my bladder, either with his hand or with his head.

but i will not have it any other way. that is my assurance that he's doing well inside. i had to count his movements now and if it's below what is expected, i have to go to the hospital ASAP. so his jabs and kicks are good affirmations.

even though i complain a lot and i'm so ready to give birth, i'm still enjoying this experience because i might not have this experience again. it always fills me with amazement that there are two beating hearts inside me. his and mine. that there is a a tiny human being living inside me that has half my DNA. that this little one inside me would soon be filling our house with smile and laughters and smell of stinky poop, lol.

like any other first time parents i'm worried about a lot of things. would i do a good job? am i built for this kind of responsibility? will i be a good mom? a tiger mom? will i live long enough to see him get married and have kids?

so many scary stuff but i know negativity won't get me anywhere and would just make my anxiety worst. so i have to choose. either choose to think about all these negative thoughts and create problems in my head that is not yet or just enjoy the moment and take it one step at a time.

i chose the latter. 

one baby step at a time.

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29 weeks

i'm feeling the baby's kicks get stronger. i also noticed that he has now a pattern. like he's awake in the morning, starting 7am. then at some point he'll stop kicking late morning. then will start kicking again in the afternoon, around 2pm til about 5pm. then quiet. then kicks again at night around 8pm til midnight. not sure if he's awake during the wee hours but i did feel him kick from 1am til 4am one time when i can't sleep. hopefully he won't be like that when he's born. i'd love for him to be sleeping from 12am - 7am. ok, he can wake up once for feeding and to change diapers.

29th week is 3rd trimester, and like any pregnant women at this stage i'm feeling more aches and pains. my back hurts all the time. my hips hurts. my pubic area starts to feel heavy and i'm feeling some pain there too. OB said, the pain on the pubic area is because baby's head is probably sitting there now.

the back pain i sorta, kinda can fix by sitting on a yoga ball and rocking myself forward and back, with my feet planted firmly on the floor, so that it's only my hips that's moving. i also learned this stretching tip i learned during my child birth class where you lean your back flat on the wall and you slowly slide down into a squat and stay there for as long as you can. that gives me relief from back pain every time i do that. i try to add 1 - 2 seconds every other day when i do that. nurse also say it helps exercise my pelvic area when i do that.

i bought a pregnancy pillow from leachco and i love it! it's called back 'n belly chic. i bought a boppy pillow a few months back but it really didn't have much support and was too soft. i was trying to save money (back n' belly is $90 and snoogle is around $50) but i ended up spending more because i have both.

it's still hard to eat in the sense that i get full easily, and when i get full, my tummy feels extra heavy and i am miserable going in to bed. i try not to eat after 6pm just so my food had been digested before i go to bed at 10 (or 11). it's hard to stand now too. it makes me dizzy and it feels like my legs are giving in. walking can be daunting too sometimes, because my legs feel heavy. i'm wondering if they are just tight. i feel that way when i run and i don't stretch properly.


i guess that's it for now.

now for a baby bump pic.

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the herculean task of growing a human being

as i feel the baby inside me punch and kick and do somersaults, i can't help but be very amazed about what has been going on inside my body. it still amuses me that i'm "cooking" a human being inside me. 

when i look at images of fetus' stages of development inside the womb i'm  always filled with awe.  such a miracle. 

imagine, from a tiny blastocyst, no bigger than a poppy seed, to something that looks like an alien, with a tail, and then eventually to a fetus. it's just amazing!

embryo

and the most amazing part is how the heck did i help in making that happen?! the task of developing a placenta is no walk in the park. i have never felt so tired in my life and it peaked at 9 weeks. i always feel like i'm having a fever and i'm nauseous and feeling weird my entire first trimester. 

our little one at 18 weeks

those random cramps caused by stretching ligaments are no joke too. and i never would have thought i have to watch out whenever i laugh, sneeze or cough because it sure will be an emergency trip to the ladies room (i really need to get serious about that kegel thing).

supplying nutrients to a growing baby while enduring my internal organs being squished and displaced is no easy task too. i find it harder and harder to eat because i always feel like i ate a whole cow or have inhaled the whole golden corral buffet.

yeah, so many things happening both inside and outside my body but after all these i'm still scratching my head wondering how all those collection of symptoms and out of whack hormones contributed to growing a life. makes me even more proud of being a woman.

watch the link below to see how a woman's intestines get's squished/displaced

(full animation here: http://www.msichicago.org/fileadmin/Activities/Games/make_room/v2/mrfb.html)

and then ofcourse, when it's time, women have to endure the painful pangs of child birth, which to be honest is making me really really really (did i say really) scared but with God's grace and my hubby's support, i'm sure i'll get through it.

it's hard work but i'm still thankful for this blessing. very thankful. i just pray that our little one completes his full term and that he's healthy and with no abnormalities.

now for some pregnancy pic:

no stretch marks and linea negra, so far..

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2nd trimester

yeah. i'm pregnant. found out about it since i was in singapore (feb 16). we were keeping it quiet and was just telling it to a few friends and on as needed basis (ie: bosses, pilates teacher, etc) because i'm high risk and wasn't sure how long i will be pregnant. but since i'm in my 2nd trimester now, maybe i can start talking about it?

at ku-de-ta resto at marina bay sands singapore
- the day we found out i'm pregnant
2.16.2015)

anyway.

i decided to officially mark my week every friday (based on baby size) instead of wednesday (based on LMP-last menstrual period).

so every friday, since my doctor's appointment is very far apart (every 4 weeks), i treat myself with listening to the baby's heartbeat. like i did this morning. 

i sometimes have the urge to listen everyday but i feel like i'm annoying the baby with the sound from the doppler or with the doppler poking him so i figured once a week should be enough. it's enough for me to know that he's still alive and kicking (literally! he kicks the doppler sometimes).

as usual, he's such a wiggly worm. he moves around a lot. i can only hear his heartbeat for a few seconds then it disappears only to find him in a different spot. can you tell it's a boy? lol

 while using a home fetal doppler

update: i stopped using my home doppler since i started feeling the kicks.

on another news, i'm feeling normal and it scares me sometimes. being the paranoid FTM (first time mom) that i am, i'm always perpetually scared of missed miscarriage where you don't have cramps and bleeding but the baby's heart just stops beating and you won't know about it until your next doctor's appointment. but! they did say 2nd trimester is the honeymoon of pregnancy so i should enjoy this while it lasts because come 3rd trimester, i know would be miserable again.

the other nice thing about 2nd trimester is i have my energy back and my OCD side is back in full gear cleaning and organizing the house most of the time, if i'm not busy eating, lol. 

oh and yes! my appetite is back. i still can't stand looking at huge slab of beef but with a whole piece of chicken i'm fine. i've been having some hankering on cheetos and would indulge but i try not to overeat because i'm watching my weight. according to americanpregnancy.org, i should gain 1lb per week and that's what i've been obsessively watching. oh, and i've been eating a lot of watermelons too.

what i'm looking forward to is to feel the baby move. i think about it so much that  i've been dreaming about it lately. i am feeling some movements but i wasn't sure if it's just gas or muscle spasm, but they did say that you might start feeling the baby move on the 16th week so i'll keep an eye (err, hand?)  on that.

2 more weeks and i can see the baby again! i'm actually internally debating if i should move my ultrasound to my 20th, the magic number when every pregnant women does their anatomy scan but my OB says 18th week is fine. my OB also said i still have the option to move it on my 20th week if i want to know the gender but i already know the gender (since week 12). so i might just keep my 18-week ultrasound schedule and just book a 3d/4d ultrasound at week 24 at this place i discovered. i do want to see that tiny thing in the middle of his legs that makes him a boy (i just thought it would be cute to see), so hopefully at my 18th week i get to see that still.

schedule is : 5/21

now for some 2nd trimester preggy pic.

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