On swirling thoughts and memories

  

i'm feeling pensive...

 

lots of thoughts swirling around me but i can 't seem to catch any... i want to nurture it in my hands and stitch a few meanings to it by attaching some raw emotions and unspoken words...

 

 

 

i want to write about who this sentence reminds me of:

 

"I like to believe I loved him so much that I couldn't make him choose. But mostly, I was afraid to find out who he'd pick"

but the thought keeps running away...

 

 

i want to write about how all those broken promises and all those who broke my heart lead me to him and how glad i am it’s him inspite of our differences… how he’s been a wonderful father

but that thought too kept flying with the wind...

 

 

 

i want to write about the could-have-beens and might-have-beens of this young love who suddenly vanished like a mist in the early morning dew....

 

 

 

i want to write about the childhood friend who i have loved dearly and learned to let go but never left and has come back to be the best friend one can ever have...

 

 

i want to write about the one that time and circumstances stole from me for a decade or so years ago and how surreal it was to see this person  once again and how natural it felt when we just picked up where we left off as if those years apart never really happened… but as fate would have it, we are meant to be apart…

 

i want to write how their story intertwined with mine.... how it somehow feels like they were put there in my path because the universe conspired to be so…. because they were meant to be there...  

there are some whom i know are not meant to stay, but i still want to put my thoughts of them into paper to prove that no matter how much the passage of time tries to erase these memories, in my heart it will all remain...

 

and will be revisited like a favorite book... to be read again and again and again...

 

 

i want to write about these memories...

 

i really want to..

 

but they all keep swirling away...

 

 

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On Pebbles and Streams

I always imagine myself sitting under a big tree with a huge umbrella of leaves shading me from the sun with a trickle of sunlight escaping here and there in between leaves and would form a tiny random spotlight on the ground where my knees are.

I like to imagine the soft breeze caressing my cheeks and playing with just a teeny tiny few strands of my hair. And there would be a stream right next to the tree. Far enough not to reach me but close enough that I can see each molecule of water racing by. Close enough that I was able to witness how the stream of water kiss the pebbles it pass by. No expectations, no demands. They both just savor the time they have, a moment at a time.

Can you hear the sound they make, those pebbles and stream? They’re like the tinkling of the thousand beads of crystal of an elegant chandelier. Except theirs is not the soprano sound but a tenor’s. 

I can see a snowcapped mountain at a far distance, with cumulus clouds merrily striding by. Is that a baby elephant I see flying on there on that blue sky?

A slightly stronger breeze put my reverence back to the book I am reading. The pages started flipping on its own and  I lost gripped of the spine. What page was I on again? Chapter 16, page 18 or was that 88? 

A small band of yellow maple leaves start rolling by my foot. One of them stumbled and fell flat, but went back up and soldiered on with the rest of the band. I love autumn. I love Spring too. I love the maple trees’ autumn leaves waving at me while I do my morning run. I love the ever shy and always smiling cherry blossoms when they blink their hellos at me while I walk through rows and rows of them. Both season are equally beautiful but autumn, autumn is different. It’s more dramatic. Its color matches the color of sunrise. 

I hear laughter and tiny feet crushing leaves on the ground. I don’t need to look up to know where those are coming from. I can hear them getting louder now. I can hear the sound of stream and pebbles kissing on my right and sound of tiny laughter and tiny footsteps on my left. I waited until suddenly tiny arms wrapped around my neck and waist and calling my name.

Mommy.

Music to my ears. More melodious than everything else I am hearing at the moment. Well, that, and my tiny humans' laughter. I kissed both their small flushed cheeks and stood up to join them. My book can wait.

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Gut feeling

 Serendipity? Coincidence? Luck? Bad luck?

Once in a while something unexpected happens. You analyze it or just shrug it off and ride it out. You enjoy or endure it while it lasts.

All of a sudden there’s a nagging feeling that it’s all too good to be true. We all know what that means. Then you insist that maybe you ought to give it a chance, even if you aren’t really sure why you ought to give it a chance. You give it the benefit of the doubt but at the same time you also start looking for signs. You pay extra attention.

When a sign presented itself you immediately cut your loses and wondered how invested had you been. You think it’s not a lot. You think you got out on time.

Then you realize the gut feeling you have is true all along.

You feel sad because you secretly feel it’s worth the shot but grateful at the same time for having the courage to go against the flow. Such is the rule of the opposites. 

It’s for the greater good, you said.

Is it good for you, though, you asked.

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I'm writing a book

Scratch that.

I wrote a book.

I have a new found respect for writers. Not that I don't respect them before, in fact I do. Specially those authors who can write beautifully constructed sentences, but my respect for them is magnified 1000x.

Why? Let me count the ways.


1. I realized that once you're in your element to write you don't even notice the time. 

While I was writing my pathetic first novel I would always go to bed between 2-3 AM. I start at 9:30PM or 10:00, depending on when my babies conked out to bed. I would imagine it's worst with writers. Once the idea flows in your head, there is no stopping it. I have to force myself to stop because I have a day job, but if left to my own device and I don't have responsibilities, I will be in front of my computer from 8am until December 22, typing my thoughts away.

2. The research you have to do.

Thank goodness for google. I had to research what flowers are available at winter time or what food a certain country has, when does the sun rises or sets in Antarctica. how does it feel like to be a male gynecologist or what day of the week is January 12, 2007,  and some other stuff that I won't list down here. Let's just say if my computer had to be subpoena by the authorities, I might get in trouble when they see my search history. This is all because I don't want a plot hole. 

This is specifically true for historical fiction writers like Diana Gabaldon of the Outlander. The research they had to do!


3. The attention to details.

I need to learn how to be more observant. As in how long is the shadow at 4pm compared to 7am. How do you describe the sun on somebody's face. Or what does hair flowing in the wind really looks like? 

Like I can't just say "her hair is bouncing in the wind like a bunch of squiggly worms". I have to find a softer, delicate way of describing the wiggling hair. Like, "she lifted her cheeks up and the sun soak up on her face while her hair drifted like golden feathers in the wind". 

Get my drift?

That took an hour to construct though because I had to find words that flow smoothly next to each other. I'm sure writers can do that with just a snap of the finger. One favorite author of mine where I can actually taste the ray of the sun or the wind on someone's skin is L.M. Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables.


4. Grammar. 
I am notorious for bad grammar. My instagram is my witness. 
And facebook.
And twitter.
And this blog.
So I praise those who knows how to use their at, to, with, in, on, into, unto, across, beside, in front, for, from
are you still there? 




5. Conflict and Ending

The first novel I just finished is not the original first novel I was planning to write. What I wanted to write first has something to do with time travelling. A bit of science fiction and paranormal. The problem with that one is I don't know how to create a conflict and I don't know how to end it. 

When I decided with this novel I actually wrote, which by the way is romance novel (so no, I am not going to tell you where it is and what the title is), I can see the conflict and the ending in my mind even before I started.

6. You have to be patient.
I had "read-re-read-proof read-edit-repeat" my novel for the nth time. And each time I would find a flaw. 

Like do you sometimes type faster than your brain that you realized you have skipped a word in your sentence? 

And mine is just 50,040 words. So imagine doing this for something twice as big. Well, I guess if you're a known writer you can hire someone to proof read and edit. Still, it's a lot of work. No wonder it takes so much time to publish a book after the author is done writing it.


7. Catchy first and last paragraph.

I think my last paragraph is good but my first paragraph, agh! I'm still thinking of how to improve it. 

I have read lots of books that have very good first paragraphs. The one I can remember right now is the Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Very catchy. 

For the ending, it has to be from One hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

8. You need to end a chapter with a hook. 

Hooks are  like a cliff hanger. Something to entice the reader to read the next chapter.

For me it’s hard because sometimes I don’t even know how to break my stories let alone think of a hook. 

Sometimes I end up re-distributing a handful of chapters just to make it work.


9. The characters.
I need to make sure my characters are interesting. That I have described their personality very well.
The only author whom I think can do this very well is Ayn Rand. When the character is psychotic, it's like you're actually there talking to this psychotic. 

I have yet to learn how to make them interesting.


10. Dialogue. 
It's hard to think of witty dialogues. So I admire those authors like David Sedaris or Erma Bombeck who can make me really laugh out loud.
I also admire those authors like, Charlotte Bronte and Ayn Rand who can make me ugly cry with beautifully written monologue or dialogue.


11. Originality
There's nothing more fascinating than reading a book and then say "oh wow! I wish I have thought of that". I remember thinking this when I learned about the "Room of Requirement", from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter.

12. It teaches.
I love authors who teach me new stuff by inserting it in their story line. Not the kind that will get my head spinning like how Penumbra's 24-hour Library did (and to think I am in the software engineering line of work and it still made my head spin), I think it's called info-dump. I like the kind of info that’s subtle that there’s story surrounding it and not just throwing it in the book to make it sound intelligent. My favorite is B. Obama's "A promised Land". That book taught me a lot.

There you go. 

I am not claiming I am an expert because I'm very very far from it. Like from 'i suck' to ' i suck so much', I'm at 'i suck so very very much'.

I just want to share what I had to go through when I did my first attempt and how I am grateful for the authors of my favorite books who had entertained me all these years.

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Planning Disney World - a different way

How do you plan a Disney trip or any trip? 

I usually start with deciding the dates because you can't book a flight or hotel room without a date. 

However, sometimes that is not the case. Sometimes you  need to start with knowing what the expenses is going to be first. How much does  plane tickets cost? The hotel. How much are you willing to spend for this trip. How much do you need to save per pay check to afford this trip. How long do you need to save so you will have enough money. Having all these parameters answered will dictate how many days you can enjoy your trip and when. Would it be possible to enjoy it for 2 weeks?  1 week maybe? Or just 3 days.

Yeah, yeah. How much Paid Time Off (PTO) is also a factor but this is assuming you have enough PTOs that's why you are already thinking of planning a trip, in the first place. If that's not the case (ie: you have just used up your last PTO day), then what are you doing still reading this? Shouldn't you be working? Shoo!

Kidding aside.

Assuming you do already know that you have, say, 12 number of days to take a vacation, the next thing to do is to list down all the expenses for the maximum days you are willing to take. Yes, maximum. Remember, this is just planning. It is not a contract. It is not set in stone yet. We can still daydream/wish/hope/pray/call on to our fairy godmother.

For our example, let's say you have 12 days available PTOs, my list will look something like this:

1. Transpo. Like airport shuttle or rental car, uber/lyft, plane fare, train fare, cab fare, bus fare, parking. You get my drift? 
2. Hotel for 6 nights in Disney. You can try browsing for medium-ranged hotel like Caribbean, Swan or Dolphin resorts. Or if you want to really dream, scout for the high end resorts. I heard the Disney Polynesian resort is really nice. Start there then work your way down the resorts ladder. Art of Animation is a value resort (lowest end) but they are really nice! and they have a skyliner as your mode of transpo and a bus.
3. Hotel for 3 nights in Universal Studios (includes 1 night stay for when going to Space Shuttle, because you really don't want to switch hotel for just 1 night and pack/unpack again).
4.I usually allot 2 days for travelling. One day each way, in case of delays and what nots.
5. I also usually allot 1 day of vacation from my vacation (yes, there is such a thing, and you should do this..you can thank me later, lol).
6. Food for 11 days (i did not include the #5 item).
4. Activity expenses (ie: park tickets, park hopper, memory maker, genie+, unlimited express pass if you're not staying at a universal resort, etc.)
5. Trip Insurance
6. Incidentals like souvenirs, gas money, cocktail-champagne-wine money, etc.

  

My list above is my my "dream" Disney World trip. My "if money isn't a problem" planning. Why not. Have some fun. Day dreaming is free. Planning is so stressful that you owe it to yourself to do anything you can to make it fun.

If you look at my first draft, it consisted of 6 days in Disney World, 2 days in Universal Studios, 1 day at Space Shuttle station (I've been there once and it's really cool). I have been to Disney World in 2005 and it was a whirlwind and I do not want that to happen again. Specially with 2 little children in tow. 

  

Second, I calculated the hotel for 2 nights in Universal Studios (we prefer the Universal Studios resorts because of the perks, I'll tackle this in my Universal Studios blog), the park tickets, the park-to-park (you need this if you want to take the Hogwarts Express Train) and food. Then I did the same for Disney World.

  

Once you have them all at hand, that's when you decide if you can afford it. If not, then you take off some days or choose the next hotel from the "hotel awesomeness ladder".

Below is what ours ended up with. We decided to do 5 days and we skipped the trip to the Space Shuttle. 
Take note that below did not include our transportation to and from Pennsylvania to Florida. I will write a separate blog about that because we decided to take an Auto Train instead of flying and that was a very interesting experience.

list down all your expenses first to get a feel of what you are getting into

There you go.
Do you think this is the plan style for you?
Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all Disney planning. So just do whatever makes sense to you.
What I have here is just to give you a different perspective.

Enjoy your Disney planning!

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A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets

 A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets.

Have you ever heard or have seen that line? I don't remember where I have seen it but it stuck to me.  It was my mantra while I was going thru college.


I remember, when I was in college, the bus I was taking to school would pass by this small village occupied by low income families,  houses with tattered roof, toddlers running about with snotty noses and holes on their almost see-through sandos. Haggard looking mothers screaming at the top of their lungs and cursing left and right for their offspring to go inside the house begging them to help with chores. The scattered fresh laundry waving in the air filling the whole street looking like fiesta banners. It was a depressing sight and one that makes me paranoid and cringe. I was perpetually scared to end up in a place like that.

You see, I did not come from a well-to-do family. Sure, I graduated from a private Catholic school, but that's because my father got lucky to land a job that pays good money for a blue collar job. He was working for a rich pharmaceutical laboratory. Unfortunately, he was laid off by the time I finished high school because of some company merging. He was offered hefty "buy-off", a force retirement money and we could have lived very comfortably through my college years. Unfortunately, my father had been a victim of the Ponzi scheme and he lost half of his money (he was planning to use that money to renovate our house). Thankfully, we survived that predicament, and I was still able to graduate.


It wasn't just the money that helped me go through college though, it was “my mantra”. I was so scared that I would fall inlove, lose control, throw caution to the wind, end up getting pregnant and land in that "village" as a bonus. 

I.was.very.paranoid. 

It's a good thing though. It kept me in line. Everytime I meet a guy that I like I remind myself of “the village”. I had an "almost boyfriend" early in my college years but I never really had a real one until I was in my 3rd year (I was a late bloomer). I don't see him too much though (I was a "sideline" I later found out), so I guess that somehow helped too. 

Where am I going with this?

Recently, a family member is going through some health issues, serious health issues, and it's because of "throwing caution to the wind". A few moments of pleasure, with some bad friends (not all his friends are bad though), and lack of self-control, and voila, he's now in a very bad condition. A condition that can never be reversed. He might not be able to walk anymore in a year or two.


"A few moment's of pleasure a lifetime of regrets"


It amuses me how each one of us are wired differently. You would think common sense is, well, common, but apparently it’s not. Some would always err on the side of caution; while some gamble with fate, even if the most common of all common sense are sending alarm bells.

Some would say I am paranoid, but I disagree. I am just cautious. I'm being responsible. I try to choose the path of less regret  ("try" as the operative word, because let's face it, we all have our weaknesses). Thankfully, I have the foresight to know what the consequences of any misdemeanor. It's not rocket science, really, it's just, well, common sense. Sometimes, listening to older people’s advises, or observing other people’s mistakes very much help too.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for some. You will be surprised how some people just don't have that “cause-and-effect” concept wired in their brain. They live in the moment. They only care about the now. They like the thrill of it.

Or maybe they just like doing mind games and like being stubborn to spite a nagging sister. What’s the gain in that though? Who will suffer in the end? 

I remember my father's friend. He was an alcoholic. I remember my mom reprimanding my dad for hanging out with this friend because every time they are together my father will always come home drunk. One day, I was just in elementary that time, that friend of my father had a stroke. You probably know what that means, half your body is dead. That friend of my father has been cursing alcohol ever since. He regrets how he took his health for granted and because of that he can never go back to his old self. 

Every afternoon I would see him walking by our street (he was exercising)with his right arm folded permanently infront of his chest (think butler carrying a towel by his arm), with the right hand flopping and lifeless while he takes slow steps and dragging his right leg while walking. I really feel bad for him.

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".

How many times have we seen or watch movies or even know someone who are teenage mothers? Didn't finish high school and at 22 has 6 kids, living in that "village", with an alcoholic for a husband. Gone are the days where she thinks her husband was the cutest thing. She's despising now how she let him touch her. "But it was wonderful", she would say. She was never touched like that before. Unfortunately, that touch lead to having twins. She had to drop out of school because she's embarrassed and it just went downhill after that.

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".

Now that I have kids of my own, I am hoping to instill to them the importance of making good choices. I don't know if having a foresight for consequences are genetic or instilled but I sure want them to learn to practice common sense…or the basic concept of   “cause and effect”…  and the meaning of...

"A few moments of pleasure, a lifetime of regrets".


....and I really hope I would atleast succeed on that regards...

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Punished by the Undeserving

I toiled.
I invested my time and energy.
Only in the end to be squandered by someone undeserving.

Are all responsible ones destined, cursed, to take care of the irresponsible ones?
Why? Where is justice in that? 

Will responsible ones always be marked as selfish if they want to take care of themselves first, using the fruits of their labor, mind you, before taking care of others?

Will this, taking care of the irresponsible ones, be a continuous cycle until the responsible humans' supplies run dry? But who then will take of the responsible race if their supplies did run dry?

Where do we draw the line in the sand and say "enough is enough".

It is not our fault that they became what they are. We tried to teach them "how to fish" but they declined, and now we, the responsible ones, need to feed them fish every time they are in need?

Why are we, responsible beings, being punished for being sensible and having the foresight to know the consequences of bad choices?

Ofcourse we will help. That's the thing, we can't help it, we just help. Even if we're already being taken advantage of. 

Ah, the injustice of it all.

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How do you find "the one"?

 

“I’ve never bought into that “You Just Know” notion. Love is a tricky thing. Sometimes it feels like an undeniable force that hits between the eyes and doesn’t let up. Other times, it’s malleable, questionable. It’s truth hidden in and amongst external obstacles and internal circumstances that’ve formed who you are, what you expect in the world, and how you can accept love. Oh, to say the least, it’s complicated. And if a mind’s abuzz with pressure and deadlines and “What if this and that,” I imagine love’s truth would be a near-impossible thing to feel. I wonder if, when all’s quiet in your mind, you’ll find your answer." - From Anne with an E

So how do you know if that person is "the one"?
Do birds really just suddenly appear? Stars just fall out from the sky?
Is it when butterflies start fluttering in your stomach? Or when you feel the flush on your cheeks?

When I was a young girl and didn't know any better, I have ideas of what "the one" is. I'm sure every person has their own preferences for a mate and while I don't necessarily agree with the "tall dark and handsome" criteria, I do like the idea of the "handsome" part. Problem is, I was a bit self-conscious about my physical appearance that "handsome" is somewhat way out of my league. Cute would suffice. Tall? Doesn't matter to me. I'm fine as long as he's not shorter than I am. Dark? Well, it's not that I have a colonial mentality and I'm not a racist, but I always get attracted to people with fairer complexion....well, and  also those who are slanted-eyed...


I will not enumerate the items in my loooong list of specifications but what I do want to mention is how that long list started shrinking as I get older.  You might say that's because I'm less choosy. Less choosy because I don't want to end up  "naiwan ng tren" (left by train aka spinster).  Maybe you're right and I'm just in denial but I really feel that is not the case.

Interestingly enough, at least for me, my preferences have evolved as I get older and after I have interacted with different kinds of people. While my list did get shorter, some of my preferences also got a little more intimidating (ie: from cute, he also needs to have a college degree). Ironically, my list also got a little less demanding (ie: from "he has to be rich" to "comfortable or middle class").  Mind you, I'm not settling, I just learned to be more realistic. Also, later on, as you meet more people from all walks of life, you also realize that physical appearance doesn't really matter at all. It's a nice-to-have but not the "be-all, end-all".  Again, I'm not 'settling', it's just how circumstances and experiences opened my eyes. Excuse the dramatics.

Case in point, have you ever met a couple where you would never think of them to be a good match just because the other one is too pretty (or too handsome) than the partner?  I have met a few of those couples. Let me tell you something tho, it’s only after you start talking to that person, who you think does not deserve the other (attractiveness-wise), will you realize what endearing characters this person have. As bright as day, you will know exactly what his/her partner saw in him/her. 

Personality. 

Most specifically, personality that matches or compliments yours. 

As my Emotional Quotient matures, atleast I’m hoping this is what’s happening, I realized how important it is for me to enjoy a person’s presence without feeling obliged to talk all the time. Someone I’ll be comfortable to sit with while I let my thoughts soar with the wind without the  need to rush it to come back to earth, meanwhile just enjoying that person’s presence or the touch of his hands on mine. I realized that someone who knows how to listen, and I mean really listen, and knows how to empathize is more important than someone with a washboard abs. I realized that someone who shares your passion, your love for travel or food or adventure or a book is better than someone with a perfectly chiseled face. I realized that someone who makes you laugh or shares your sense of humor and enjoys long walks with you is better than someone who showers you with gifts but is not really....there.
I know what you’re thinking. That those are hard to find. I agree. While it’s true that some had found their “the one” early in their life’s journeys (i met a few, and they are what we so fondly call childhood/highschool sweethearts), others will  take a while. Others will have to meet a few wrong people along the way first. 

I’m one of those “others” but I think there is still something to be thankful for about that. I sincerely believe that those who walked away from you may have left your heart crushed and may have made you feel that it’s better to wallow in self-pity and to stay under a cloak of despair and to never want to face the world again, was introduced to us so we would learn how to “screen” better next time.  I will not sugar coat it, it will sometimes make you hate humanity and you will feel that your heart is broken into tiny little pieces like the sand scattered along the shore, that it seems impossible to put it back together again. 

I know that feeling too well. I have been there more times than I wanted to. Inspite of it all, I’m still thankful because those who walked away from me also taught me a very valuable lesson about myself and about how important it is to find someone where both of you are looking at the same direction. How important it is to find someone that you know is in the same page as you. It is enough to convince you to slowly climb out of your somber and try again.

"What is done cannot be undone, but at least one can keep it from happening again" - Anne Frank

I’d like to think that if someone I love walked away from me, it is not because I’m at  fault. Well not “always”, at least. While it’s true that it takes 2 to tango there are still some situations where no one can ever point a finger at you. There are just people out there who were born to make you cry. Sometimes, it's not even that. Sometimes "you" are the one who needs to do the "walking away". It's a dreadful feeling but I try not to dwell on it for too long. Cry if you must. Seek solitude if you must. Then move on. At least that's how I deal with it.

I know, easier said than done. Each of us has our own level of tolerance about certain things, people, situations... but please do try. We learn from our mistakes. You might have heard that a thousand times, but don’t you think it’s true? 

Don’t you find yourself becoming more cautious after a certain mistake? I’d like to think that the more you learn from your mistakes, the better choices you make and the closer you get to the person born for you.

Ahm...

....maybe I should rephrase that. 

"Born for you”.

While it does sounds romantic, it also insinuates that we don’t have a say on the matter and that someone or some One (ie: God) had already decided for us because He thinks we are incapable of making decisions. I don't buy that. Do you? I'm sure you don’t too. So instead of "born for you" let's just say "the one you are looking for and is also looking for you". Right. I think that sounds better, I think. Less romantic sounding though but more, hmm, what’s the word, tangible. It’s a more optimistic way of thinking that  he/she is there, somewhere, just caught in a traffic or still in the process of realizing that he/she is with the wrong person.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms" - Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road

 

photo by yours truly

Post Script:

I want to tell you about my "the one".

We are, what you might call, an unlikely couple. We met under some extra ordinary circumstances and timing and if you are to try and dissect the timing and the hows of how we met, you would think that the universe conspired for us to be together.

He is handsome with an iridescence of a piercing blue eyes. Although this really wasn't part of my list, but it sure is a nice bonus but that’s not what attracted me to him. 

What I do like most about him is his big heart, how he takes care of the people who means to him, and how he takes care of  me. I never had anyone took care of me or have pour all his attention to me the way he did. 

I'm used to doing the “taking care” bit. The showering someone with affection. Let’s just say he showered me with the same language of love that my love tank used to be full of. It’s just hard not to fall in love with a wonderful person like him and I thank my stars for him.

We have our "moments" of course, as all couples do. No, I am not being defensive, but hear me out. 

Couples are two different people, with different experiences, culture, upbringing, etcetera and fighting is an opportunity to learn about each others differences, feelings and thoughts and an opportunity to compromise and work as team. 

I must say, it is hard to think of it that way when your blood is boiling, you have reached your tolerance level and currently swimming with anger,  but fighting, err, communication is important. It just, you know, have varying levels of "communication intensity", if you know what I mean *lol*. 

How about you. What's your story?

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What a year, huh?

How have you been?

I hope everyone in your family is doing OK, including you. 

As for me, I'm thankful to still be alive. Happy that I have celebrated yet another birthday. Still paranoid about getting sick and dying, though, but happy to be alive. Pwera usog.

...i bought my fave cake, and sent a note to myself, lol...
that's how happy i am that i'm still alive :D

this is not the cake i bought...this one's from hubby...

We had our share of bumps (COVID 19 had struck my loved ones some time in July but they're OK now - Thank you, God!) but in spite of it all, we soldiered on. After all, we're still together and at the end of the day that really is all that matters. We are still not out of the woods but, with God's grace, we would surpass this too. 


Some COVID-wentos:

My county had shutdown late March because of this pandemic, but I have started working from home a few weeks prior that because I don't want to risk my health (I have Asthma, and therefore one of those high-risk). We also have pulled out our kids from daycare a few weeks prior the shutdown. 


It was tough working from home (WFH) with 2 toddlers screaming and getting into all sorts of mischief but we managed.

The county re-opened late May. It was called "yellow phase", and more and more establishments have  opened (with restrictions), including my kids daycare. We didn't take them back right away, though. We waited a couple of weeks until the daycare had perfected and iron out some of the details of the "new" normal. My husband and I, on the other hand continued working from home.

We missed our friends dearly but we're thankful for their thoughtfulness, prayers and words of encouragement.  We have postponed all plans of travelling by plane but we were able to sneak in some beach time when most of the states were in the yellow phase.  The birthdays in my family were all anti-social themed, lol. Meaning, it was just us and some "face time-ing" with relatives. We were still able to make it interesting though so the kids will still enjoy it. We had a Frozen theme birthday party for my daughter and Ghostbusters theme for my son. I made their cakes (and cupcakes).

Fast forward to late October, I got a new job. It's the same industry as my previous one but pays better. I've been with the previous company for 8 years and have acquired a new skill set during the last 3 years of working there. This new skill set is what paved way to this new job and much better salary to boot. The only thing is that it's a double-edged sword. It can either be a blessing or a curse. A blessing because a lot of  that particular industry needs that certain skill set but not a lot of Software Engineers with Java background has that. You know how it is; more demand + less supply = inflated price.  A curse because, while there is still some Java programming, it's just "some" Java programming. So hopefully my decision won't bite me in the end. Although, I think I will be alright. I have 17 years Java experience and I am Java certified. Old as that maybe, but I think I am at a point where I don't need to be too self conscious about my Java years of experience. It's like riding a bike. You never forget it. Atleast for me that's the case. I hope.

So far so good. I like my new team mates. I am WFH full time. Yes, full time remote. My team had been working from home full time even prior the pandemic.That's because they are scattered around the US so there's really no need to go to the office. 

What else.

I have a new series addiction called The Outlander. It started with my imX Pilates instructor (Reformer pilates, not the mat one) talking about it and eventually I got curious enough to try and watch it. I have binged watch the series and now reading the books. I'm in book 7 currently. It's about time travel with some bits of history and romance. Main character is a Scottish highlander called Jamie Fraser and a Sassenach named Claire Randall. Try it, you might enjoy it.

the most number of books i have read in a span of a year!

I have a semi-big project back in the Philippines that will start  in "session" by first week of January. The planning and analysis was done this year (Aug-Dec 2020) and with God's grace, I'm hoping it to be "functional" before year 2021 ends. Will you include me in your prayers, please? I am much obliged.

Health-wise, I think I'm OK. I'm starting to feel aches and pains here and there but nothing that a dose of advil won't cure, lol. I try not to take meds for every aches and pains though. I love my liver. 

As usual, I am just yapping about.

How about you? How are you? Anything good that came out from this pandemic. I know, I know, an oxymoron, but you know what they say, if life gives you lemons, get a tequila and salt. LOL. Are you a plantita/tito now too? Any new hobbies? New routine that you think is worth continuing? 

Oh, I forgot, I am learning 2 new instruments. A ukelele and a banjo. Hubby got me a banjo for my birthday. The ukelele, I bought on impulse (agh! i need to stop doing that). Ukelele, is easy (well, so far). It's like a guitar but I'm just worried it will mess me up with my guitar chords memory bank and have them all mixed up. The banjo though, that I need a formal lesson. I'm just waiting for when it's safer to go out and do lessons in person. I probably can wing it using youtube (like what i did with the  ukelele) but I need someone to correct my "form" and my strumming/plucking. Can't wait to start playing some of Keith Urban's songs (my main reason why I want one).

Alright I'm done.

but before I end my post.....

May we all have a healthy new year.
May God bless us all and keep us from harm.
May we all find something to put a smile on our lips no matter what circumstances may befall us.
May we always find something to be thankful for.
Know always that someone loves you.
Happy New Year!

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Dreaming of the old

I keep dreaming about this person I know from my past. 

Like a thief in the night, when I least expect it, there that person is.

I can't for the life of me understand why. I read somewhere (or maybe someone told me) that if you dream of someone, that means you're thinking of that person. But I am not thinking of that person (but after the dream, that's a different story ofcourse). 

Someone told me (or maybe I read it) that the person might be dying or is dead and trying to tell me something. As far as I know, that person is very much alive and healthy.

I read (now this time I'm sure, because I googled it), that the person represents my anxiety or something that I need that I don't have currently. For example, if you dreamt of a highschool classmate that you have no attachment whatsoever but all you know is that person is the most shy person you have ever known, then dreaming of that person might mean, I am shy about something and I need to do something about it. Something like that. But I don't know what that person I dreamt represents. That person is doing OK in life, I'm doing OK in life. That person is smart, I'm not bad myself (how else did I ever got here and survived if I'm mediocre, modesty aside). I'm happy and content (pwera usog), that person is happy and content (I hope, I don't know much about that person anymore). What could it be then? 

I really don't know.

And it bothers me that because I dreamt of this person, I start to think about that person. I don't have issues about thinking of that person, mind you. He/she is a good person. I was fond of that person but I want to remember the good times and not the bad, and when I start thinking of that person I remember everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the in-betweens, the overs, the unders, the left, the right. 

Everything.

I don't want to remember everything. Just the good ones.  

Just the good ones.

Please. I don't want to dream of that person again.

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